<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>50 Times She Loved Her by Allie0963</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28875813">50 Times She Loved Her</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allie0963/pseuds/Allie0963'>Allie0963</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Bisexual Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Coming Out, Episode: s02e15 Revelations, Episode: s03e01 Doubt, Episode: s03e02 In Name and Blood, Episode: s03e09 Penelope, Episode: s03e17 In Heat, Episode: s04e03 Minimal Loss, Episode: s04e13 Bloodline, Episode: s04e15 Zoe's Reprise, Episode: s04e21 A Shade of Gray, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, Post-Episode: s03e14 Damaged, Post-Episode: s04e07 Memoriam, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Slow Burn, Trans Male Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:14:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>26,688</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28875813</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allie0963/pseuds/Allie0963</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of events that follow Emily and JJ’s relationship throughout the 50 states, starting from Emily finding JJ in Revelations all the way to the end. </p><p>(I’m tagging the episodes as I go)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>71</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>206</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Georgia</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Each chapter is mirrored around an episode, but in Criminal Minds, there are no episodes in Arkansas, Connecticut, Hawaii, Nebraska, North Carolina, or North Dakota, so each of those is replaced with an important event (3x01, 6x18, 9x14, 10x11, 11x19, and 15x10). </p><p>Key: season x episode, 9x14 means season 9, episode 14</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>February 2007</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>2x15</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Trust </em>
</p><p>JJ had known Emily for four months. That’s barely enough time to get to know someone, much less to build any sense of trust. Friendship relies heavily on the existence of trust and vulnerability, two things that JJ struggled with. She’d never been the best at trusting people, which meant change didn’t come easily. Four months hadn’t been enough time to process the loss of the former agent, or to adjust to the presence of a new one. Similarly, she’d never been good at presenting anything except her warming smile and friendly “hello,” which made it difficult for people to get to know her.</p><p>    Emily could recognize the signs of compartmentalization from miles away. Afterall, she was the master of it. When she joined the BAU, she was well aware the adjustment would not be easy. No one trusted her at first, and if she actually wanted to gain their trust, she’d have to have something to offer. </p><p>    Getting close with Garcia had been the easiest. She was bubbly, enigmatic and was a people-person all around. All Emily had done was smile a few times and laugh when she made a joke. After that, Garcia came to her. </p><p>    Morgan wasn’t hard, either. She found a way to show-up Reid, and he was immediately on her side. After Reid got over the fact that Emily was also somewhat intelligent, he’d accepted her as part of the team. She didn’t think Gideon would <em> ever </em> trust her, but he didn’t really trust anyone except himself. </p><p>    Hotch <em> definitely </em> didn’t trust her, and there wasn’t much she could do to fix that. There were parts of herself she had to keep hidden, and without the entire truth, Hotch was always going to be weary. </p><p>    There was JJ, too. Emily could tell JJ wanted to trust her, but something held her back. She could recognize JJ was hiding something behind her walls, but she didn’t know what. That was kind of the point, but Emily knew well enough that everyone’s secrets spoke loudly, you just had to know what to listen for. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Blood </em>
</p><p>Blood. Despite her line of work, JJ had never done well with blood. Maybe it was because of her childhood trauma, or just a human instinct to think <em> no, that doesn’t belong outside of a body. </em>There was a lot of blood. And human remains. And dead dogs. And- her breath caught in her chest. Movement. There was movement. Shakily, she raised her gun, pointing it blindly. She didn’t even know if there were still bullets in her clip. After the dogs had come at her, she started shooting until it was quiet again. </p><p>    “FBI!” she yelled, her world spinning around her as she tried to get her eyes to focus. “Don’t move!” </p><p>    People, she slowly realized. They were people. The names <em> Morgan </em> and <em> Prentiss </em> were thrown in the mixed up words, but she couldn’t process anything. It was too loud. And there was blood. It hadn’t gone away yet. “Tobias Hankel is the unsub.” </p><p>    “JJ.” </p><p>    That was her name. They were talking to her. “I had to kill them,” she stuttered, wanting to explain why the barn looked like the scene of a mass murder<em> . </em> It <em> was </em> the scene of a mass murder. “They just completely tore her apart. There’s nothing even left.” </p><p>    “JJ, look at me.” </p><p>    Her head snapped up. She recognized that voice. It was soft and cold all at once. Empathetic, yet determined. Emily. </p><p>    “JJ,” she warned. “Where’s Reid?” </p><p>    Reid. The name processed slowly as her heart jumped into her chest. Reid! Oh, god- Reid. “We split up,” JJ gasped, her chest tightening, panic rising. “He said he was going around back.” He wasn’t around back, was he? This was a moment she couldn’t keep it together. Blood. Death. Panic. </p><p>    “JJ-” Emily stopped mid-sentence. JJ’s eyes had become unfocused, arms going limp as her gun tumbled to the ground. “Are you okay?” </p><p>    Her knees weakened. The world was going quiet again, images of blood flashing behind her eyelids. She <em> hated </em> blood. It turned her stomach upside down and sent her mind tumbling back to that Tuesday when she was 11- when she opened a door that she wished she would have kept closed. </p><p>    Emily moved forward, supportively grabbing onto JJ’s arms, mindful of the gash along her left wrist. “I’ve got you,” she said. “They’ve called an ambulance.”</p><p>    Was she hurt? JJ had gone numb. The dogs had come at her, but she couldn’t remember if they got close enough to hurt her. A dumb throb in arm answered her question. JJ clung to Emily as they made their way from their barn, dodging puddles of blood and dog carcases. Her stomach turned as she caught a glimpse of a bone. A human bone. </p><p>    “Emily,” JJ warned, her mouth watering like it did before she threw up. “I’m gonna be sick.” Her entire body was shaking, stomach heaving as she learned towards the ground, coughing up the little coffee she consumed earlier that day. </p><p>    “It’s ok,” Emily mused, stroking her back gently and holding her blonde hair out of the way. “You’re ok.” </p><p>    JJ squeezed her eyes shut as a wave of dizziness washed over her. It didn’t feel real. She was still hoping that this was all some horrible hallucination. There was no blood. No dogs. And Reid was there. </p><p>    “Jayje, I need you to stay with me,” Emily said. “You’ve gotta stay awake.” </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Anxiety </em>
</p><p> There were a lot of things that came with anxiety that other people didn’t see. Emily picked her nails to calm her racing mind </p><p>    There were days Emily ignored it until she couldn’t take it anymore and she curled up on the floor of her bathroom, finding five things she could see... four things she could touch, and then scraping the whole idea of grounding herself because she was a FBI and she wasn’t supposed to be weak. </p><p>    Emily supposed if she hadn’t been supporting JJ’s weight, her fingers would be bleeding, but right now she was too concerned with her friend who was clearly not okay. </p><p>    JJ didn’t have something like picking her nails or biting her lip. Instead, she let her mind float away. Sometimes, she wasn’t even aware of where she was and it felt as if she barely existed. Those were only the bad days. Usually she clenched her fists and hoped it hid her shaking hands, or she splashed cold water on her face and told herself to suck it up until she got home. </p><p>    She couldn’t do that today. Today was definitely a bad day. She was losing a battle with her body, and her mind. </p><p>    “JJ, the medics need to look at you.” </p><p>    Her head snapped up, meeting Emily’s dark eyes. “I’m fine.” </p><p>    “Your arm is bleeding, Jayje. You’re in shock.” Emily reached down, resting her hand on JJ’s shoulder. “Come on, I’ll help you.” </p><p>    The blonde reached out with her uninjured arm, allowing herself to be pulled to her feet. She steadied herself on her feet, vision spotting out. She shook Emily’s arm off, mumbling something like <em> I can walk </em>.</p><p>JJ squeezed her eyes shut as medics began moving around her. Her eyes focused on nothing as they cleaned and bandaged her arm and checked the rest of her. She refused the shock blanket and instead sat completely still on the side of the ambulance. </p><p>    She was hearing and seeing things, but not really processing them. Morgan and Emily were hovering by the ambulance, glancing between JJ and the commotion occurring at the farm. </p><p>    “You can’t find Reid?” JJ asked, her eyes wide. </p><p>    Emily sighed, her fingers having found her nails again. “Not yet.” </p><p>    JJ may have been in shock, but she wasn’t unobservant. She could feel the nervous energy radiating from everyone around her, and it was not helping her state of anxiousness. </p><p>    “You can go.” </p><p>    “Huh?” In her dazed state, she felt as if time was slipping between her fingers. It happened a lot when she was constantly thinking about everything that could go wrong. </p><p>    “Just keep your arm clean,” the medic said. “Change the bandages, wash it. Get some food, too, your blood sugar is probably pretty low.” </p><p>    “Thanks,” she rasped. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Guilt </em>
</p><p>She found herself in the ratty bathroom of Tobias Hankel’s house. She didn’t know how long she’d been standing there, lost in her own dead gaze. The tightness in her chest had yet to fade, if anything, it was growing worse as the day progressed onward. <em> Reid might die </em> . The words kept echoing around in her head. <em> And it might be your fault </em>. </p><p>    JJ squeezed her eyes shut, willing away the creeping feeling that something terrible was going to happen. And- </p><p>    Dogs. She’d killed the dogs, so why was she currently hearing one? Her eyes flew open, met by the blurry image of movement in the mirror. With a breath frozen in her chest, she scrambled for her (empty) gun. </p><p>    “Hey! Hey, hey, JJ, it’s me.” Emily had put her hands up as if to show JJ she meant no harm. “Are you alright.” To Emily, that answer seemed obvious, but it was her best attempt at connecting with the younger, clearly shaken, agent. </p><p>    “I’m sorry,” JJ muttered. <em> Sorry </em> , it was a word she spoke all too often. She’d been repeating it since she was 11, afraid that every misfortune was her fault. Maybe if she said sorry enough, the universe would accept her apology. “You scared me.” It was easier than saying <em> I’m hallucinating. I think I’m going crazy. </em> </p><p>    Emily shook her head understably. “I’m sorry.” She paused, studying JJ for a moment before she asked, “I’m talking to some guy who knew Hankel from narcotics anonymous. Why don’t you come with me, get out of the house?” She was sure JJ needed an escape from this. Knowing the human mind, it was likely JJ was placing a great deal of blame on herself, and Morgan’s snippy comments weren’t helping. </p><p>    “Yeah,” JJ sighed. “Emily?” </p><p>    “Yeah?” She turned back towards the blonde agent, wondering for a moment if she’d want to talk about what she was going through, but that wasn’t the case. </p><p>    “How come none of this gets to you?” </p><p>Out came the attempted explanation of <em> compartmentalization </em>, something JJ had failed to do that day, and something Emily never stopped doing, even when she walked in on JJ sobbing two hours later. </p><p>“Oh, Jayje.” </p><p>JJ looked up, wiping her red eyes. “It’s my fault,” she hiccupped. “It’s my fault that Reid-” </p><p>“No, it’s not.” Emily sank down next to her, shoving the door of the bathroom closed. “You said Reid wanted to split up.” </p><p>“I should’ve followed him,” she whimpered. “And now Morgan hates me. He thinks it’s my fault.” </p><p>“He’s worried about his friend and all he sees is that you’re here and he’s not.” </p><p>“Exactly!” JJ dropped her head onto her knees. “It should be me. What would matter if you guys lost me? Reid’s the genius and I’m...” she trailed off, throat tightening. </p><p>Emily felt her heart drop. Did JJ really think that of herself? “JJ,” she started. “Look at me.” </p><p>She looked at Emily, only to glance away a moment later, fresh tears leaking down her cheeks. </p><p>“Hey.” Emily reached out, tilting JJ’s chin towards her. “Just because Reid knows a million statistics doesn’t mean you’re any less than him.” </p><p>“Really?” scoffed JJ. “To bureaucrats, I am less than him. To Hotch and Gideon and Morgan, I’m less than him.” </p><p>“Not to me,” Emily mumbled. </p><p>JJ froze, eyes shooting towards Emily. “Really?” she asked. She sounded fractured, as if hearing that she meant something to someone had broken her. </p><p>“Really,” Emily confirmed with a smile. “If... if it was you, they’d all care, you know that?” </p><p>“Right now, they’re all wishing it was me.” JJ scooted closer to Emily, leaning her head onto her shoulder. </p><p>Emily didn’t want to deny the truth, but that wasn’t something she could tell JJ. It wasn’t fair to her to have her believe that her life wasn’t as valued as Reid’s, but it was partially true. To mid-level bureaucrats, a media liaison was more than replaceable. But a genius with an IQ of 187 and a severe issue socializing? That’s about 1 in a hundred million. </p><p>“I’m not saying I wish it was Reid,” Emily murmured, rubbing JJ’s knee. “But I’m really glad it’s not you.” </p><p>JJ sniffled, squeezing Emily’s hand gently. “Thank you,” she muttered. “For not blaming me.” </p><p>“There had to be at least one person who didn’t.” </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Sorry </em>
</p><p>JJ had said it so many times in the past 24 hours, and there she was, tenderly hugging Reid as she mumbled it again. <em> He hates you </em>. Maybe her mind would be right this time. </p><p>    “I’m sorry,” she whispered again as Emily pulled her towards the cars. </p><p>    “Jayje, we’re going back to the hotel. Reid’s going to the hospital and you need to sleep.” </p><p>    “I don’t think I can sleep.” She was tired. She was <em> so </em> damn tired, but she was so afraid. Afraid of what her mind was going to do while she slept. </p><p>    “Do you want to talk about it?” Emily asked, starting the car. Everyone else was either in the ambulance or the other car, leaving the two of them alone. </p><p>    “No,” she snapped, before quickly countering, “I’m sorry.” </p><p>    “JJ, you’re allowed to be angry or sad or anxious. You’re allowed to feel things,” Emily said. </p><p>    “Then why don’t you?” JJ looked towards her colleague. “Sorry. Was that too far?” </p><p>    Emily adjusted her grip on the wheel. “I feel things,” she said. “I just don’t like sharing them.”</p><p>    They spent the car ride in silence. JJ cried, quietly, but Emily didn’t say anything. She let the blonde get her apologies out in the form of tears. Even though JJ had said she didn’t want to sleep, her body was exhausted. She’d barely made it out of the car before she was stumbling, steading herself on the backdoor. </p><p>    “Let me help you,” Emily offered. They walked together, arms around each other to their room on the second floor. JJ kicked her boots off and flopped onto the bed closest to the wall. </p><p>    “You’re exhausted, JJ,” Emily said. “Maybe you’re so tired you won’t think of them.” </p><p>    “What?” her head snapped towards the other woman. </p><p>    Emily bit her lip, knowing it was out of line to say that. “I’m so sorry... I just assumed that you were thinking about... the dogs?” </p><p>    “I pulled the trigger,” sighed JJ, rolling on her side. </p><p>    “You had to,” Emily decided. “They were going to attack-” </p><p>    “I pulled the trigger when you walked into the bathroom,” she choked out. “I would’ve shot-” </p><p>    Emily stared at her, open mouthed, for a moment. “I- you didn’t, though.” </p><p>    “I’m so sorry.” She hugged her knees to her chest. Emily nodded silently. </p><p>JJ glanced tentatively between the quiet agent and the empty space on the bed next to her. “Can you...” the trailed off, her question hanging in the air. </p><p>    “I... yeah,” Emily decided. “Sure.”</p><p>    “You don’t have to,” JJ murmured, pressing her face into the pillow. “I’m sorry. This doesn’t feel real. I can’t get past the fact” </p><p>    “It’s fine, really. I don’t mind.” </p><p>    “I didn’t even go through what Reid did,” whispered JJ, turning to face Emily as she crawled onto the far side of the bed. “And I can’t keep myself together.” </p><p>    “You shouldn’t invalidate your trauma,” Emily reasoned. “Just because he went through something worse doesn’t mean you didn’t go through anything.” </p><p>    JJ smiled thinly. Emily seemed to have a rational answer to every one of JJ’s irrationalities, every anxious thought that threatened to pull her into her mind. </p><p>    “Get some sleep, Jayje,” Emily said. “You deserve it.” </p><p>    “Night, Em.” </p><p>    “Good night, JJ.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Arizona</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I’ve formatted this chapter a bit differently than the last (it’s not split up into sections) but I hope you enjoy! Also, this one takes place post 3x01 instead of during it, and it’s a bit shorter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>September 2007</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>3x01</strong>
</p>
<p>JJ and Emily were relaxing in their hotel after a particularly brutal case. Well... it appeared that they were relaxing, but JJ was aware that Emily had been relentlessly picking her nails, and Emily had watched JJ stare at nothing for a good half hour. </p>
<p>    “Hey,” Emily nudged her arm, snapping the blonde out of her dazed state. “Are you good?” </p>
<p>    “What?” JJ threw a sideways glance to her right. “Sorry, I didn’t hear you.” </p>
<p>    “I asked if you were okay?” Emily repeated, offering JJ a small smile. “You seemed a little... spacey.” </p>
<p>    “I’m ok,” JJ said with a frown, before countering, “actually I’m a little worried.” </p>
<p>    The older agent reached out, grabbing the remote and shutting the TV off.  “Do you want to talk about it?” </p>
<p>    “Gideon hasn’t come back yet,” JJ started hesitantly. “I’m worried about him and Reid, and Strauss has been on Hotch’s ass.” </p>
<p>    Emily opened and closed her mouth. Strauss had been on <em> her </em> ass, too, but she didn’t have the heart to tell JJ why. Trust wasn’t something that came naturally to either of them, and the truth would only ruin the little that the two of them had built. </p>
<p>    JJ twisted her hands together, intently studying the bed spread. “I think something bad is going to happen.” </p>
<p>    “You <em> hate </em> Gideon,” Emily noted with a laugh. “You’re not worried about him.” </p>
<p>    JJ let out a sigh, brushing her hair out of her face.  “I’m worried about Spence. If Gideon doesn’t come back it’ll kill him and he’s already been through so much.” </p>
<p>    Emily shifted so she could look at JJ, who was sitting next to her on the bed. </p>
<p>“You don’t like change, do you?” </p>
<p>    The blonde narrowed her eyes. “Are you <em> profiling </em> me?” </p>
<p>    “You barely talked to me when I first joined the team,” Emily pointed out. “It was almost like you were <em> afraid </em> that I would hurt you.” It was a fair observation, but one that Emily probably should have saved until the two of them trusted each other a bit more. </p>
<p>    JJ’s face had gone blank, as if hiding her emotions would hide what she’d already told Emily without actually saying anything. “I wasn’t afraid of you,” she murmured. “I was worried because whenever things change it seems that someone always gets hurt.” </p>
<p>    Emily’s face softened.  </p>
<p>    “If you wanted to know something you could have just asked,” JJ said with a small sniffle. “It’s not weird to not like change, is it?” </p>
<p>    “Of course not,” Emily immediately replied, reaching out to rub JJ’s arm. “Familiarity is comforting.” </p>
<p>    “Is there anything else you want to know about me?” JJ smiled as she twisted onto her side, laying down with her arm propped beneath her head.</p>
<p>    “Were you close with the agent before me?” Emily knew it was risky to delve into this topic, and anyone with profiling skills had the ability to read too far into her words. But JJ looked at emotions first, not linguistics, so Emily decided to take the risk.  </p>
<p>    The blonde shrugged. “Not really. Like... I <em> knew </em> her, but I didn’t really <em> know </em> her, if you know what I mean. I was still sad when she left. I was worried they would get some other male profiler with an overactive ego.” </p>
<p>    Emily snorted. “You got me instead.” </p>
<p>    “A female profiler with an overactive ego.” </p>
<p>    JJ giggled and Emily’s jaw dropped. “Hey!” </p>
<p>    The blonde swatted her arm teasingly. “I’m just <em> kidding </em>! You totally know how to show up everyone on this team- even Reid. Ok, my turn.” </p>
<p>    “What?” </p>
<p>    “You asked me a question,” stated JJ. “I’m asking you one.” </p>
<p>    Emily raised her eyebrows at JJ’s mischievous smile, that said <em> I walked us into this one </em>. “Are we... making this a game?” </p>
<p>    “If you want.” </p>
<p>    “Ask, then.” Emily joined JJ in a lying position, propped up on her other arm. </p>
<p>    “What was your first impression of everyone on the team?” </p>
<p>    Emily chewed on her nail for a moment. “Reid... awkward genius who’s desperate to gain the acceptance of everyone around him. Hotch... over-serious, angry boss who doesn’t know how to have fun. Gideon, oh, god, this is going to be really mean-” </p>
<p>    “I don’t care,” laughed JJ. “You really came for Hotch and Spence, though.” </p>
<p>    “I’m trying to be honest,” groaned Emily, her cheeks tinted pink. “But I definitely thought Gideon was just another profiler who used Reid’s and Garcia’s knowledge to make all the connections and he definitely thinks he’s the best because of it.” </p>
<p>    “Damn,” grumbled JJ. “May I add: he totally hates most women.” </p>
<p>    “True,” agreed Emily. “Ok, Morgan I thought he was just a ladies man, you know? But in a cool way. He makes a joke out of everything, but still gets work done.” </p>
<p>    “Me and Garcia?” prompted JJ. </p>
<p>    “Garcia... the over-excited, glittery, sparkly, happy friend who is probably emotionally unstable.” JJ snorted, hiding a smirk, and Emily quickly added, “What?” </p>
<p>    “Emotionally unstable?” </p>
<p>    “Come on... I bet she can be a real bitch if she wants to be.” </p>
<p>    JJ laughed. “You’re not wrong. She could get any of us into some real shit with a few lines of code.” </p>
<p>    “Yeah, remind me to always stay on her good side.” The two women giggled quietly before JJ closed her mouth, studying Emily for a moment. “And me?” </p>
<p>    “I...” Emily started, feeling her face heat up. “I could tell you wanted to be accepted and seen as equal, but you thought you were less.” </p>
<p>    JJ nodded, as if prompting Emily onward. </p>
<p>    “You trusted us as team members, not as friends. And there is a lot about yourself that you don’t project.”</p>
<p>    JJ’s face had grown solemn. “I hate profilers sometimes,” she grumbled. </p>
<p>    “You asked for it,” Emily whispered with a small smile, attempting to lighten the mood. “But was I right?”</p>
<p>    “Yes.” </p>
<p>    “It’s my turn to ask a question,” continued the brunette. She could tell she’d made JJ somewhat uncomfortable, but that’s what conversations (games?) like this did, so she decided to ask, “What did you mean when you said <em> trying to figure out who I was </em>?” </p>
<p>    JJ’s mind wandered back to their previous conversation about college. She offered a small shrug, blinking quickly a few times before looking at her friend. “What do you think I meant?” </p>
<p>    Emily narrowed her eyes. “People figure a lot of things out in college. They figure out who they are, and who they want to be. I guess they figure out the reality of the world, too.” </p>
<p>    “People figure out how to be what others want them to be,” countered JJ. “College was... an interesting time, you know?” </p>
<p>    Emily nodded in agreement, still not entirely convinced of JJ’s answer, but if it was what she thought it was, she wasn’t going to press it. </p>
<p>    “I can’t stop thinking about Anna Begley,” JJ commented offhandedly. Mere hours beforehand, they’d witnessed her suicide that she’d attempted to press into the hands of a suspected serial killer. </p>
<p>    “What about her?” Emily asked quietly. Of course, no one else had seen the miniscule connections that Emily had drawn between herself and Anna: Emily had appeared similarly in high school, with dark hair and make up, an overarching goth theme, which she hadn’t entirely diverted from to the day, and the struggles with depression and the far reaches one would go to to soothe their pain. </p>
<p>    “She was so desperate to have another kill her and it makes me wonder if she really wanted to die.” </p>
<p>    Emily’s brow furrowed. She and JJ stared at each other in silence for a moment before the brunette broke the silence. “I think she was scared.” </p>
<p>    Maybe JJ caught the tone of familiarity in Emily’s voice, or maybe she recognized that she spoke with empathy and understanding, and not sympathy and pity. Whatever it was, JJ shifted, her eyes widening as she studied the woman in front of her. She knew that face. She knew the face that said <em> I’ve been there, or I’m going to be </em> . She’d seen it in her sister, who showed it <em> before </em> , and she’d seen it in a friend, who showed it <em> after </em>. </p>
<p>    “Emily,” she warned. “Are you okay?” </p>
<p>    And suddenly the scripts were flipped. Emily was frozen, sitting there with the sinking thought that if JJ had picked up on it, she’d been all-too obvious. </p>
<p>    “I will be,” she said assuringly. “Some cases- days... are just hard.” </p>
<p>    “Keeping it in isn’t going to make you feel better,” JJ whispered. Emily narrowed her eyes and JJ replied, “what!? I’m not the only one who can read emotions.” </p>
<p>    “I know, it’s just-” </p>
<p>    “You don’t trust people,” interrupted JJ. “I get it. Trust is hard. It doesn’t come naturally to either of us, but maybe that’s something we could change.” </p>
<p>    “How?” </p>
<p>    “I know you trust me a little,” JJ said. “You’re being vulnerable and you’re at least willing to have this conversation.” </p>
<p>    “I guess we’ve gotta start somewhere.” Emily smiled lightly at JJ, who leaned forward to take her cold hand. </p>
<p>    “So, we start here.” </p>
<p>    And that would be the beginning of something. The beginning of friendship, and vulnerability, and trust. </p>
<p>Trust is a fragile thing. It’s hard to gain and easy to break, and anyone who knows its true weight holds it carefully. When trust breaks, it fractures into pieces, cutting and scraping the things, the people it held together. </p>
<p>Trust is dangerous in the wrong hands, so they’d have to hope it was in the right hands. </p>
<p>Those hands, currently, were closely entwined as a blonde and brunette laid shoulder to shoulder on the single bed in a random hotel room somewhere in Arizona, pretending they didn’t know what this was the beginning of.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Wisconsin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I’ve realized if I keep updating at this rate, it’s going to take me a whole year to finish this... so I’m using that as motivation. I keep switching up chapter layouts and i included some poetry in this one. (the indents got messed up cause I’m on my phone so sorry about that, and I kinda switched the POV half way through oops)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>September 2007</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>3x02</strong>
</p><p>
  <em> Sometimes I can’t help but feel </em>
</p><p>
  <em> That something </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Terrible, terrible </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Is going to come </em>
</p><p>
  <em> So I sit and wait </em>
</p><p>
  <em> For myself to succumb </em>
</p><p>
  <em> To the terrible, terrible </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Things that occur </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And mix up the way  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Things once were. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I sit, frozen, frozen, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> To watch the world pass by </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And ignore the fact </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Terrible thoughts  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Sometimes like to lie. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Earlier that month, when JJ had said she was worried that something bad was going to happen, it hadn’t been her anxiety acting up. For once, her intuition had been correct. Something bad had happened, something bad was currently happening, and something worse was going to happen. </p><p>Morgan strolled into the round table room, coffee in hand, late, as expected. “What, no Hotch, and now no Gideon?” he asked. </p><p>“No, not yet.” JJ didn’t look up from her files. Something was <em> wrong </em> , she could just <em> feel </em> it and she knew the slightest motion could alert everyone around her that her heart was pounding and her hands had grown clammy. </p><p>“You’d think the least they could do is be on time,” joked Morgan. </p><p>JJ took a deep breath, pushing away her rushing thoughts, but Reid responded before she could say anything to break the silence. “Yeah, cause you’re never late.” </p><p>A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips. <em> Well, would you look at that! He knows how sarcasm works. </em> </p><p>“So,” Morgan continued, ignoring Reid’s accusation. “Where’s Prentiss?” </p><p>JJ tensed. <em> That’s </em> what was really concerning her. Not Hotch, who was supposed to be returning from his two week suspension or Gideon, who had yet to return after Sarah’s death. Frankly, she hadn’t really thought about them at all that morning. </p><p>“Her phone keeps going straight to voicemail.” Yeah, it was definitely best to leave out the part where JJ had texted Emily three times, called her four, and then almost cried when she hadn’t responded. </p><p>The blonde knew Strauss had been after Hotch, that much was clear following his suspension, but Emily? Was she in trouble too? Their agreement to start trusting was moving slowly. Half of the time, they blatantly lied to each other when responding to <em> how are you </em> , even though the clear answer was <em> not good </em>. JJ’s bad feelings were bound to catch up eventually, and maybe this was just the result. </p><p>. . .</p><p>As horrible as it was, hearing Hotch had requested a transfer, it made JJ feel a <em> little </em> better. They weren’t going to lose three agents in one day, she was sure of that. </p><p>    The world has disproved her theory 20 minutes later. </p><p>    JJ’s heart was pounding in her ears. “She’s what?” Resigning from the FBI? Emily wouldn’t just leave like that. </p><p>    “I don’t know,” Reid said, throwing his hands up. “Morgan heard it from Hotch.” </p><p>    Her blue eyes were wide, searching for any sign that Reid was joking. She should have known he wasn’t. Sarcasm in a daily conversation didn’t exactly scream <em> Spencer Reid </em>. “We’re losing both of them?” </p><p>    The younger agent looked at her sympathetically, unsure of how to communicate his apology in words. He shrugged, turning to head towards the elevator. </p><p>    JJ stood rooted in place, her stomach turning. “Why didn’t she tell me?” she asked the carpeted floors. “Why didn’t-” Her head snapped up when she heard the clicking of heels.</p><p>    Garcia frowned, noting JJ’s conflicted expression.  “I’m trying to talk her out of it,” she attempted, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “I’ll make her call you, ok?” </p><p>    JJ nodded slowly, admitting, “she didn’t tell me.” </p><p>    The two blonde’s stared at each other, and some sense of realization crossed Garcia’s face. She softened and reached forward, pulling JJ into a light hug. “Oh, sweetie...” </p><p>    JJ sniffled. “She’s leaving us just like Elle did and then-” </p><p>    “Everything’s going to be fine,” affirmed Garcia, leaning back to stare intently at JJ. False hope was the last thing she needed, but it was the best Garcia had to offer. Maybe with her magic, it wouldn’t be so false. </p><p>    “I hope so.” </p><p>. . .</p><p>    <em> It’s not official </em>. Those three words were the last strands of hope JJ was clinging to. Between Strauss and Emily, hardly any of JJ’s attention was focused on the case and, thankfully, the reporters in Milwaukee weren’t all that terrible, so her job proved a bit less stressful than usual. </p><p>    “Well, look who’s here.” </p><p>    JJ’s head shot up at Morgan’s comment and her heart jumped as Emily entered the room, followed closely by Hotch, but she barely paid any attention to the arrival of the second agent. Yes, she had been disappointed to hear of Hotch's resignation, but Emily’s had nearly broken her. Her first response was to be angry, but she figured that wouldn’t do them any good, so she nodded at Emily instead.</p><p>    “How fast can you get us up to speed?”  </p><p>    The blonde grabbed a few files off the table and passed them to the brunette with a warm smile. “How fast can you sit down?” </p><p>    As soon as Emily looked away, JJ returned to the files, absentmindedly scanning over words, trying a bit too hard to appear as if nothing had happened. She shouldn’t be... what was the word? Affected. She shouldn’t be this <em> affected </em> by the woman sitting across for her. But she was, and there was no denying it. </p><p>    It wasn’t something she’d come to accept easily. Feelings were not JJ’s strength, they were a thing that she had repressed since she was little, and when she’d first realized what had been going on in her head, she’d completely shut the idea out. She kept going back to the same excuse: <em> we’re just friends. I care about her. I care about my friends </em>. </p><p>Well, she would come to accept the truth eventually. </p><p>. . .</p><p>They had only booked four hotel rooms, assuming the team would consist solely of JJ, Reid, Morgan, and, unfortunately, Strauss. Morgan had moved into Reid’s room to give Hotch space, and Emily had trailed behind JJ, the unsaid expectation being that those two <em> always </em> shared a room (and, occasionally, a bed). </p><p>When the door closed, JJ turned, throwing an angry glare at Emily. </p><p>The brunette tensed. “Jayje, I-”  </p><p>    “Don’t,” JJ warned. The room fell into silence. Emily stared at the blonde, unsure of what she could say. JJ gritted her teeth, blinking rapidly to keep a wave of tears at bay. </p><p>“I thought you were going to leave us,” she finally croaked. “I thought you were going to leave <em> me </em>.” </p><p>    Emily’s brow creased. She couldn’t exactly say <em> sorry </em> and then pretend like she hadn’t planned to leave them without a second thought. “I didn’t, though.” </p><p>    “Yeah, but you were going to.” JJ clenched her fists. She wanted to be angry- she was angry, but Emily was here, now, and that made it a little better. </p><p>    “I- I’m sorry,” Emily breathed, stepping closer to JJ, so she could squeeze her hand, hoping that the physical contact made up for that fact that you only say sorry when you don’t understand. </p><p>    JJ swallowed heavily, glancing down at the floor, and then back up into Emily’s eyes. “I’m glad you’re back.” Some sense of hesitation laced her voice, but both women ignored it. </p><p>    “Strauss was using me,” Emily mumbled, rubbing her hand up and down JJ’s arm. “To get under Hotch’s skin. I refused and tried to get out of here before she used me for something worse.” </p><p>    JJ’s jaw dropped. “What a <em> bitch </em> !” The air fell quiet as the blonde chewed on her lip, “you could have <em> told </em> me, Emily.” </p><p>    She sighed, fingers picking at each other. “I know, it’s just...” </p><p>    “You don’t trust me,” JJ finished. </p><p>    Emily stared at her pitifully, knowing what she said was true. “I... I’m trying.” </p><p>    “I know.” </p><p>    “We should get some rest,” Emily suggested, abruptly ending their conversation of exchanged sorrows. “We’re getting up early tomorrow.” </p><p>JJ nodded as the brunette silently retreated to the bathroom. She shut the door and let out a heavy breath, dropping her head into her hands. She had prepared herself to deal with JJ’s anger, but instead she was dealing with doubt and devastation, and that was something she was not equipped for. </p><p>Emily let the warm water cascade over her bare shoulders as she tried to think of what she could say to make it up to JJ, but sometimes words just weren’t enough. Eventually, she shut off the water, her mind having run out of things to think about. </p><p>    When the brunette emerged from the bathroom, JJ was standing in the middle of the room, arms crossed and a conflicted look plastered on her face. </p><p>    Emily hesitated a few steps away from her. “JJ, are you okay?” </p><p>    “I-” JJ’s voice cracked. “I was just worried about you, you know?” She took a chance and looked up at the older agent. “I didn’t know why you were gone and it scared me. It really scared me.” </p><p>Her brow creased. It was a good sign that JJ was opening up about her feelings, but something about the situation felt so… conflicted. Emily tossed her work clothes onto her bag and moved towards the blonde. She couldn’t read the emotions in JJ’s eyes, or her body language. She was defensive and offensive at the same time, as if she were unsure of how she should act in front of her friend. </p><p>    “JJ,” Emily breathed softly, an apology dying on her tongue. </p><p>    “Em...” </p><p>    Not much thought went into what happened next. Emily didn’t move as JJ closed the distance between them, and the blonde wasn’t even sure if she’d made the conscious decision to touch her lips to Emily’s, but she did. Her legs felt weak, like they did after running too hard, and her mind flashed between panicked thoughts of <em> oh my god, what am I doing, </em> and <em> oh my god I’m doing this </em>. </p><p>Emily didn’t react at first. She stood, frozen, for a few seconds as JJ kissed her, their warm mouths melding together, hands firmly gripping hips. Frankly, she hadn’t seen it coming, but the moment it happened, everything made a little more sense. When Emily moved, it was only to pull the smaller woman flush against her body, deepening the kiss. </p><p>JJ was warm and cold and angry and incredibly delighted all at once. Was Emily kissing her out of pity? Was this her apology? The blonde broke away staring into Emily’s eyes, searching for an explanation, or an affirmation that this was real. </p><p>“I don’t know what else to say besides I’m sorry,” Emily murmured. </p><p>    JJ simply nodded, resting her head on Emily’s shoulders as the two held each other. She pulled away a few moments later, mind having convinced herself that, yes, it had been an apology. She didn’t even look at Emily. She said nothing as she climbed on the right side of the bed, curling up, her back away from Emily. </p><p>    “Jen, are you-” </p><p>    JJ sighed sharply. Her heart was going fast, and tears were pricking in the corners of her eyes. At least Emily hadn’t yelled at her. “Go to sleep, Em.” </p><p>    Emily stared at her blankly as she claimed the right half of the bed, curling onto her side with her back away from the open space. <em> Well </em> , thought Emily, <em> someone had a mood swing </em> . She felt like being sarcastic, but she was only using that to mask that it hurt. It hurt more than it should to have JJ kiss her, and then turn away as if nothing had happened- or… as if something <em> had </em> happened that had made her turn away.</p><p>    The profiler in her was telling her it was a rational reaction to have. JJ had grown up Catholic in a conservative part of Pennsylvania. That did things to people- not good things. It was a rational reaction to be scared and angry because Emily had hurt her, and then she’d done the opposite.</p><p>But the emotions, the irrational part of her, wanted to know what she’d done wrong, besides <em> almost </em> leaving, of course. She wanted to know why. Why? WHY!? Psychology says the brain <em> always </em> wants to know, but not all questions have answers. Emily didn’t have an answer. This question wasn’t even multiple choice. It wasn’t fill in the blank, either. </p><p>She had no context- no idea what JJ was feeling, so she closed her eyes and tried to think, but eventually, sleep weighed her down and her brain lifted away, forgetting all the rational explanations for the current predicament. Instead, her mind sung, over and over again: <em> she hates me. She hates me. She hates me.  </em></p><p>. . .</p><p>A solid whack on the head with a two by four should have knocked some sense into Emily, but instead it jumbled her thoughts around. She had barely spoken to JJ that day, the two of them skirted around each other in the precinct, directing their words at the group instead of a single person. </p><p>    Emily figured the most she could do in her likely concussed state was make her stay official. She managed to twist around a few words to convince Strauss that she didn’t have any ulterior motives, and she’d made it up to the team… most of them. </p><p>    JJ sat across from Emily on the plane, as usual, but neither one said anything to the other. They barely managed to make eye contact. By the time the flight ended, Emily was sure that the team could <em> feel </em> the tension and nervous energy in the air. </p><p>    She lugged her bag onto her shoulder, rushing after JJ before the blonde could escape home. </p><p>    “JJ,” she called. “Jayje, we need to talk.” </p><p>    She let out an irritated sigh, spinning to look at the older agent. “What do you want, Emily?” </p><p>    “What is going on with you?” </p><p>    Her eyebrows rose in mock surprise. “What is going on with <em> me </em>? Emily-” </p><p>    “Look,” snapped Emily. “I made a mistake, ok? I was tired of being a bureaucrat's pawn, so I made an impulsive decision and I’m <em> sorry </em>.” </p><p>    “Did you kiss me to make up for.. to-” </p><p>    Emily’s jaw dropped. “Are you kidding me?” </p><p>    JJ let out a breathy laugh and her arms definitely. “That’s your answer?” </p><p>    “What- no, JJ! For the record, <em> you </em> kissed <em> me </em>, and I went with it because I like you, ok? It wasn’t to make up for my shitty actions, and if you want to hate me, go ahead, but just know that I did it because I wanted to, and I don’t regret it.” </p><p>    Tears had formed in the corners of JJ’s eyes, but at this point, Emily didn’t care. She had the audacity to think that Emily had kissed her as an <em> apology </em>? </p><p>    Sometimes, people make decisions that they regret instantly, but once you’ve started, it’s too late to stop. Example: if you take a left instead of a right, you can’t just slam on the brakes. You have to circle all the way around until you’re back where you started. </p><p>    By the time Emily had made it halfway to her car, she wished she’d said <em> sorry </em>. Instead, she’d be driving home, alone, with a concussion and a racing heart. She hit every red light, the perfect representation for everything she was going through. </p><p>    She’d always kept her apartments dark and cold, lacking any expression or emotion. She didn’t really know why. Maybe it had been the imprint left on her by her childhood. <em> Home </em> wasn’t really a place, so why make the place you live homey? Emily squeezed her arms around herself, watching the flashing lights of DC beyond the windows. </p><p>    Right now, she felt completely and utterly alone. She was alone. If she so desperately needed someone to be there, she would have no one to call. There was not a single person that she could rely on to answer their phone and be the person she needed.</p><p>    That’s what was hurting her. Not the concussion or bruised elbows… but the fact that she had <em> no one </em>. Two days ago, she would have said that she had JJ, but now… she was sure she’d broken what they’d so carefully built. </p><p>    Emily had frayed the edges of their trust, and everyone knows that frayed edges don’t go back together easily. It takes hours of twisting, turning, tying to return them to something remotely similar to the original. Even then, they won’t ever be the same, just as a burnt log put out with water won’t be healthy. At best, it might look like it used to, but it’ll be dead on the inside. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I want someone to be there </em>
</p><p>
  <em> In the middle of the darkest night. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I want someone to hold me </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And never let go. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I want someone to catch me </em>
</p><p>
  <em> When I fall.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Oh, there are so many things </em>
</p><p>
  <em> That I want,  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But in this brutal world </em>
</p><p>
  <em> There are so many things </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I can’t have.  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Virginia</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I really suck at sticking to a consistent posting schedule,  sorry about that. I feel like my writing has been all over the place so this might suck.</p><p>I hope you enjoy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>February 2008</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>3x09</strong>
</p><p>
  <em> I cannot undo </em>
</p><p> <em> what I have done;  </em></p><p> <em> I can’t un-sing </em></p><p> <em> a song that’s sung </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> And the saddest thing </em>
</p><p> <em> about my regret  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I can’t forgive me </em>
</p><p> <em> and you can’t forget </em></p><p>  </p><p>- Lang Leav</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Hospitals </em>
</p><p>    Death hides behind the barrels of guns, at the tips of daggers, and in the bottom of rocky chasms, but it also hides behind the horrible smell of antiseptic and fluorescent hospital lights. </p><p>    JJ hated hospitals. They were full of lies and deception and irony. Irony, because they’re the place where people have the best and worst days of their lives. People are born, people die, and death is masked by antiseptic and the darkness is scared away by ringing lights. </p><p>    The days that JJ ended up at the hospital were always bad days. She was there the day her sister died, when they took her to the hospital even though she was long past gone. She was there the day her grandma died from a heart attack. And she was there today. </p><p>    An hour earlier, JJ had found out. She’d been alone, in the bullpen, working because she had nothing else to do. She probably would have been with Emily, but they still hadn’t smoothed over their argument from last month. A few <em> sorry’s </em> had been tossed around, and they’d had a small moment on the plane after a case in Colorado, but embarrassment and regret hid under their smiles and lingering gazes and discussion about <em> maybe </em> having children. </p><p>    When Hotch had said those words, <em> Garcia’s been shot </em>, JJ’s mind had stopped. She wasn’t going to lose another friend. She couldn’t. She’d already lost Emily for a short amount of time, and she wasn’t entirely sure if she’d gotten her back. </p><p>    “Is she alive?” </p><p>    Hotch stared at her. “She was when they brought her in.” </p><p>    The entire ride to the hospital, JJ sat in silence, hands clenched tightly, breathing <em> in </em> and <em> out </em> , just like her friends used to tell her in college whenever she found it hard to breathe and the world started to spiral. <em> In </em> and <em> out </em>. </p><p>    Hotch jerked the wheel to the left, pulling into a hospital parking space. “JJ, call the rest of the team.” </p><p>    She swallowed heavily and nodded, making no effort to move and grab her phone as her throat tightened. </p><p>    “JJ.” </p><p>    “Sorry,” she mumbled, shaking hands reaching for her pocket. Of the four remaining team members, only two answered. Her conversation with Rossi had been short, as he quickly agreed to meet them at the hospital. Emily, of course, sounded as concerned as ever, but JJ hung up the phone before she could say anything else. It was no surprise that Reid didn’t respond, but he must have at least listened to JJ’s voicemail because he showed up at the hospital 15 minutes later. </p><p>    JJ had situated herself on the edge of an uncomfortable, white, plastic chair. That’s another thing they hated about hospitals. The chairs kept you physically on edge, to join the state of your mind. There was no room to get comfortable, not when you were awaiting horrible news. </p><p>    “Where is she?” Reid asked. </p><p>    “She’s in surgery,” JJ’s voice caught in her throat. “There’s no word.” </p><p>    Reid nodded. “This is crazy,” he said, beginning to pace back and forth. JJ sat back down, clenching her fists, telling herself Penelope was going to survive because she had to. </p><p>    Emily arrived next, talking in a hushed voice with Hotch before she made her way over to JJ. “Hey, how are you doing?” </p><p>    JJ shrugged, shifting in her chair and Emily sank down next to her. “Where’s Morgan?” </p><p>    “He’s not answering his cell,” she replied. </p><p>    They sat in silence for an excruciating twenty minutes. JJ had leaned forward, pressing her elbows firmly into her knees in an attempt to stop her arms from shaking. She wanted to do something, but instead she was sitting there, waiting to hear what the doctors had to say. </p><p>    She jumped when a cold hand brushed hers. She tilted her arm, letting Emily entwine their hands together. It felt natural, having their hands like this, but both women were aware that they were tense, unspoken apologies still hanging between them. For being a communications liaison, JJ knew she sucked at communicating with people she cared about, but she wasn’t ready to have a full conversation with Emily. Not yet.</p><p>    “I need to go to the bathroom,” she mumbled suddenly, pushing her hair from her eyes as she dropped Emily’s hand. The soft ringing noise of the overbearing lights were hurting her head, and her eyes had begun to water from staring at the walls. Or maybe those were tears, she couldn’t tell. </p><p>    The bathroom was quiet and dark and she was alone and it was all JJ needed to fall apart. She leaned against the sink, letting warm tears leak down her face. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that she lost everyone, had them ripped away from her without an explanation. Her head shot up when the door creaked open. </p><p>    Emily peeked her head into the bathroom, slipping in when she realized JJ was alone. “Jayje...” </p><p>    JJ sniffled, her eyes focused on the ground. “I can’t lose her, too. Not after... you.” </p><p>    Emily tilted her head. “You didn’t lose me.” </p><p>    “It’s been weird between us,” exclaimed JJ. “And I want to fix it but I don’t know how!” </p><p>    The brunette sighed, moving towards JJ so she could hug her gently. “You were angry at me, I get it. We let emotions get in the way.” </p><p>    “Are you still mad at me?” </p><p>    Emily laughed softly. “Why would I be mad at you? I'm the one who almost left.” </p><p>    The blonde shrugged, falling quiet again as she leaned against the wall.</p><p>    “What’re you thinking about?” </p><p>    “I’m scared,” JJ muttered. “About us and Pen.” </p><p>    Emily smiled reassuringly. “We’re fine, JJ, I promise.” Maybe they were fine. Maybe their odd interactions had all been in JJ’s head. </p><p>    But Penelope... JJ’s gut was telling her something was wrong. </p><p>   </p><p>
  <em> Hope  </em>
</p><p>Sometimes, hope lies. It gives you a false sense of security and assures your belief that everything is going to be ok when it’s not. </p><p>    You hope that you are safe at home. You hope that you are safe in a hospital. You hope that you are safe at work. And most of the time, you are. But then there’s the time Penelope got shot <em> at home </em> . The unsub killed a doctor in a <em> hospital </em> . JJ shot the man <em> at work </em>. </p><p>    Penelope had made it out of surgery, and it seemed like everything was fine. JJ wanted to believe it was, but they clearly still had an attempted murderer on the loose. She couldn’t focus or think about the case at all. The only thing she could think about was the immense amount of danger everyone was in at all times. She’d just have to hope that an imaginary force field kept her safe. Instead of addressing her worry, she tried to turn to Garcia and the little she could do to keep her friend safe. </p><p>    Emily had stuck by JJ’s side throughout the day (and night). They rode between Pen’s apartment and Quantico together, and only separated when JJ decided she wasn’t doing enough. </p><p>    “Look,” she muttered, swirling her coffee around in it’s cup. “I don’t think there’s much I can help with on this case, and I have some paperwork to get done.” </p><p>    Emily nodded understably. JJ was a media liaison, and there wasn’t any media involved. She’d been worried about the blonde. She was clearly anxious, jumpy, and appeared on the verge of screaming or crying. Her request to work on something else seemed only like a distraction. </p><p>    JJ spent the following few hours pacing in her office, occasionally flipping through a file and telling herself this was better than a hospital. She’d finally gotten herself to sit down and do something useful when her phone rang. </p><p>    And 60 seconds later, she killed a man, because that’s what you do for friends. She didn’t distinctly remember pulling the trigger. She remembered the man facing Hotch and Rossi, she remembered him waving his gun, and she remembered him falling to the floor, shattered glass matching the state of her mind. </p><p>    It was over just like that. Garcia thanked her and JJ smiled weakly, catching Emily’s eye in the distance. Hotch spoked with her about some paperwork (there’s always more paperwork), and Emily ran after her as she tried to escape. </p><p>    “JJ, are you okay?” </p><p>She scoffed. “Pen got shot and you’re asking if I’m okay?” </p><p>Emily grabbed her elbow, stopping the blonde in her tracks. “What you did back there… that wasn’t easy.” </p><p>JJ nodded solemnly. She had killed someone. Actually killed someone. </p><p>“You’re not a bad person for pulling the trigger,” Emily said as she pushed the elevator button. “We all would’ve done the same thing.” </p><p>“I know,” she croaked. “It’s just... the idea that we’re so vulnerable.” </p><p>Emily looked at her quizzically, expression asking a silent question. </p><p>“We never realize how much danger we’re always in,” JJ explained. “We just hope that no one shoots us on the way to work, we hope that one one slashes our throat while we’re sleeping, you know?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Emily breathed. </p><p>“And if you're someone like Garcia... someone who always sees the good in the world, you forget that danger exists and then... this happens.” </p><p>“It’s not always bad to see the dark side,” reasoned the brunette. “I guess it keeps us safe.” </p><p>Their silent conclusion hung in the air. They weren’t happy, bubbly people like Garcia, but maybe that’s why they were both alive. They both worked a job where they fought to take out the darkness that hurt people who relied too heavily upon hope. And they both acknowledged that hope was the reason people got hurt. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Hugs </em>
</p><p>They walked together towards the parking lot and Emily stopped before they turned towards their own cars. </p><p>    “Are you <em> sure </em> you’re ok?” </p><p>    JJ tucked a lock of blonde hair behind her ears. “I will be.” She let out a heavy breath. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but do you maybe want to come back with me?” </p><p>    “Really?” </p><p>    JJ nodded. “I don’t feel like being alone right now, not after what’s happened.” </p><p>. . .</p><p>20 minutes later, Emily was following JJ inside of her apartment. She watched as JJ locked the door, and then unlocked it, before relocking it again. The blonde noted Emily’s expression. “Habit,” she mumbled. “Just to make sure.” </p><p>    “You hungry?” </p><p>    “Not really, but if you want food, there’s some stuff in the fridge.” </p><p>    Emily shook her head. “I’m fine.” </p><p>    JJ let out a heavy breath as she collapsed onto the couch, drawing her knees up to her chest. “I hate personal cases,” she grumbled. “They take everything out of you.” </p><p>    The brunette lowered herself next to her. “Do you want to talk?” </p><p>    JJ smiled lightly. “No.” She leaned to the side, resting her head on Emily’s shoulder. “I want to apologize, again, for what happened in Milwaukee.” </p><p>“We’re good, Jayje, really.”</p><p>“Maybe we could try it again.”  Oh. <em>Oh.</em></p><p>“Hm?” Emily’s voice faltered. She <em> thought </em> she knew what JJ was hinting at, but didn’t want to make any assumptions. </p><p>JJ rolled her eyes and sat up straight, her left hand finding Emily’s. “Emily Prentiss you are clueless sometimes.” With her free hand, she traced Emily’s jaw, pulling their heads together. “Thanks for being you,” JJ mumbled, pressing her soft lips against Emily’s. The brunette let out an incoherent <em> mmph </em> and let herself tangle her hands in JJ’s hair. </p><p>The blonde sighed contently as she broke away and cuddled against the older agent’s shoulder. “So we’re good?” </p><p>Emily entwined their fingers together again. “We’re good.” </p><p>    They fell asleep like that, pressed against each other on the couch, wondering if this is something normal friends do. </p><p>    Maybe hope was dangerous, maybe it was something that got people hurt, but in that moment, they were each hoping that this was something more than friendship, although neither one would admit it. </p><p>
  <em> “It’s hard to find the person that’s always there for you. And when you do, you often don’t realize it because you spend too long looking for someone who’s been there the whole time.” </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Indiana</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Technically post-Indiana, but no one needs to know that.<br/>Enjoy this (mostly) happy chapter! I had a lot of fun writing it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong> Spring 2008</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>3x14</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>JJ <em> hated </em> when people disrupted her while she was working. She could rarely get herself to focus for more than an hour or so, and anyone barging in threw her off balance and reset the cycle of attempting to get settled down. Of course, when it was Emily, she always had time for a conversation, but when it was Garcia or Reid, she got seriously annoyed. </p><p>    The blonde clenched her fist around her pen when a peppy blonde appeared in her doorway. “I might be in serious trouble,” she squealed, entering the office without JJ’s permission. </p><p>    JJ rolled her eyes.  “Come on in.” </p><p>    “I can’t believe he showed up at my apartment!”</p><p>    “It’s not like I’m doing anything right now.”  </p><p>    “We just had a seminar on fraternization last week.” </p><p>    Now that word, it caught her attention, but instead of addressing it she went with the snappy reply of, “I <em> really </em> have a lot to do Garcia.” </p><p>    Garcia stared at her with wide eyes. “So you don’t want to hear how Agent Rossi showed up at my apartment in the middle of the night while I was enjoying a post-coital shower with fellow FBI technical analyst Kevin Lynch?”</p><p>    JJ’s jaw dropped, and she finally looked up. “Sit,” she offered.</p><p>. . .</p><p>Emily shook her head in disbelief “Kevin and Garcia. You’re serious?” </p><p>    JJ giggled. “Yes! Pen told me yesterday that Rossi showed up after they... you know?” </p><p>    “I seriously thought you were joking with the whole <em> Kevin and Garcia sitting in a tree </em> thing.” </p><p>    The blonde crossed her arms defensively, giving Emily a pointed stare. “I do <em> not </em> joke around with those things!” </p><p>    “What things? Workplace speculation?” </p><p>    She offered a shrug as she leaned back into the couch, letting the brunette fill in the blanks for herself. They’d planned for an impromptu girls night after the last case in Indiana, but Garcia had been called off on... more important matters.</p><p>    “God,” Emily groaned with a shudder. “I’d be mortally embarrassed if Rossi walked into my apartment after I’d just had sex with someone.” </p><p>    JJ sighed dramatically. “Poor Pen.” </p><p>    “I think she can handle it. She doesn’t get embarrassed like we do.” Both women nodded in agreement, trying not to picture the aftermath of the earlier situation. </p><p>    “Oh, god. Now I have the image of Rossi coming into my apartment after I’ve had an orgasm- <em> that </em> would ruin the mood.” </p><p>    Emily squeezed her eyes shut, trying to will that thought away, but it was permanently scarred in her mind. “We need a new topic of discussion.” </p><p>    “But <em> Kevin </em> and <em> Garcia </em> ?!” JJ prompted, turning back to their <em> workplace speculation </em>. What a wonderful topic of discussion. “I really didn’t need some of the details Garcia told me.” </p><p>    “Oh, please,” scoffed Emily. “I don’t want to deal with the burden of your knowledge.” </p><p>    “Okay, here’s a question: showering with people, yes or no?” </p><p>    Emily stared at her, trying to piece together the prompt behind that question. </p><p>    “Garcia and I were arguing about it,” said the blonde, answering the other’s silent question. “Cause she and Kevin…” she motioned with her hands and Emily burst out laughing. </p><p>    “Depends on who it is,” she finally answered. “Hook up, definitely not, committed relationship, probably.” </p><p>    “I don't know, there’s something… romantic... about being in the shower with someone.” </p><p>    Emily raised her eyebrows. “Jennifer Jareau, I thought you were an innocent angel.”</p><p>    She put her hands up in defense. “I’m 28 and you seriously thought I was <em> that </em> innocent.” </p><p>    “You have this glowy thing about you. It’s hard to think of you…” </p><p>    “Having sex?” JJ asked, starting to feel embarrassed again. “Yeah, let’s not talk about that, thanks.” </p><p>    “Whatever,” the other woman grumbled.</p><p>    “I don’t think Morgan liked my comment about men,” JJ commented offhandedly, thinking back to the case earlier that day. </p><p>    The brunette raised her eyebrows, prompting JJ on. </p><p>    “I told him that only men would play carnival games,” she explained, “because women know they’re a waste of time and money.” </p><p>    Emily placed her elbow on the back of the couch, resting her head on her hand. “So you essentially called men stupid and Morgan got offended?” </p><p>    “Yup.” </p><p>    “Imagine if he had to deal with all the shit women get,” scoffed Emily. </p><p>    “Women are way better,” agreed JJ. “At everything.” </p><p>    A small smirk appeared on the brunette’s face. </p><p>    JJ narrowed her eyes. “What?” </p><p>    Emily stared at her suggestively. “So if women are better at everything, do you think they’re better in bed, too?” </p><p>    JJ choked on the sip of wine she’d just taken, although she shouldn’t have been surprised, considering Emily’s impressive track record when it came to bringing sex into most conversations. “Emily!” </p><p>    She placed her hands up defensively. “What?! It’s a fair question.” </p><p>    “Answer it yourself,” demanded the blonde. </p><p>    “My answer is biased!” </p><p>    “So is mine!” </p><p>    “Cause you’re straight?” </p><p>    JJ burst out laughing, her face falling when she realized Emily was completely serious. “Emily Prentiss!” she scolded. “I’ve made out with you <em> twice </em> and you <em> still </em>think I’m straight?” </p><p>    Emily opened and closed her mouth, not really sure how to answer that question. </p><p>    “You’re a useless lesbian.” </p><p>    Her jaw dropped. “Excuse me?” </p><p>    The blonde reached out and smacked Emily’s arm playfully. “I’d have to be blind to not notice your total disinterest in men. Besides, you just said it yourself, your answer is biased.” </p><p>    She shrugged lightly, her face flushing red. </p><p>    JJ’s face softened. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. You’re okay with me knowing?” </p><p>    “Now you're the useless one,” teased Emily. “We’ve made out twice, of course you knew.” </p><p>    JJ sighed heavily and picked up the remote, mindlessly flipping through a few channels. “Do you want to watch a movie?” </p><p>    “I was quite enjoying our topic of discussion, but sure.” </p><p>    Whatever movie they ended up choosing turned out to be completely boring. Emily had fallen asleep halfway through, and JJ had carefully taken the wine glass from her hands to rescue it before it was dropped or spilled. </p><p>Her eyes lingered on the torn skin around the brunette’s nails. There were a few scabs, which told JJ the damage was quite recent. She usually didn’t bring it up because it made Emily uncomfortable, but it was hard to ignore. <em> Oh, Emily</em>, she thought to herself, <em> why do you do everything alone </em>? </p><p>    It wasn’t that she was any better with talking about her feelings, but it was hard to clearly see your friends struggle with something. </p><p>    Her solemn moment was broken by her buzzing phone. “Who the <em> hell </em>-” She sighed. A 504 area code could only mean one thing. She didn’t bother to read the text message. Instead, she tossed her phone onto the coffee table and squatted down in front of Emily. </p><p>    “Em, hey.” She nudged her shoulder gently. “It’s really late, do you want to sleep in the bedroom, or stay here?” </p><p>    “Mmm,” Emily grumbled, rubbing her eyes. “My back is dying.” </p><p>    JJ rolled her eyes. “Come on,” she reached out, grabbing the brunette’s hands. “We’ve shared a bed before.” </p><p>    JJ tossed Emily a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants once they got to her bedroom and she quickly changed, clambering onto the left side of JJ’s bed. </p><p>    “Thanks, Jayje.” </p><p>    The blonde laid down next to her, tugging the blankets over both of them. “No problem, Em.” She squeezed her shoulder gently before turning onto her side and drifting off to sleep. </p><p>. . .</p><p>    When JJ woke up, she found the space next to her empty. She was surprised that Emily’s movement hadn’t woken her, as she tended to be a pretty light sleeper. She wandered into the kitchen to find Emily standing by the counter. </p><p>    “I made coffee,” she said as she held up the cup in her hands. “I hope you don’t mind.” </p><p>    JJ stifled a yawn, too tired to read into Emily’s conspicuous expression. “Not at all.” </p><p>    “Also, your phone was buzzing,” the brunette commented dryly. “I turned it off.” </p><p>JJ glanced up, clearly hearing the change in Emily’s tone, and seeing the distaste on her face. “What’s that-” Oh. Oh no. She pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a long breath. </p><p>    “504 area code, that’s New Orleans, isn’t it?” </p><p>    “Yes,” the blonde squeaked, her cheeks burning red. “Look…” </p><p>    “JJ, you could have told me,” snapped Emily. “Or at least given me a heads up that you’re… that...” she couldn’t find the right words to express what was going through her head. </p><p>    “That I’m what?” </p><p>    Emily threw her hands up. “I don’t know, Jennifer!” </p><p>    “I’m not with him!” she defended. “I gave him my number as a friend. Besides, it’s my work number!” </p><p>    “It’s been ten months since that case.” Emily’s voice was hurt. “<em> Ten </em> months are you’re still talking.” </p><p>    <em> Shit </em> . Her and Emily had finally smoothed over their last argument, and then this. How many times were they going to hurt each other like this? “The texting didn’t start again until two months ago,” the blonde attempted. “It was for a consultation on a case, and then it turned into <em> hey, how are you </em>, and I didn’t have the heart to not respond.” </p><p>    “Did you ever stop to think about how it would make me feel?” Emily asked. “Especially if you knew we were doing this- or at least trying?” </p><p>    JJ was frozen, her chest painfully tight. “Emily… I didn’t even know…” </p><p>    “What do <em> we </em> have?” she asked, giving JJ a pointed look that said <em> you can’t have two things at once, you know that </em>. </p><p>    The younger woman shook her head dismissively. “I don’t know, but I want it to be something, you know?” </p><p>    Emily rolled her eyes. “I do too, but that’s going be really fucking hard if you’re texting William La- whatever. I’d always thought you’d like an accent, you know.” </p><p>    “Emily!” JJ’s eyes were burning. “You didn’t have to take it that far! You could have just asked, <em> hey, I saw your phone and I was wondering- </em>” </p><p>    “It doesn’t work like that, Jen,” sighed Emily. “And I’m sorry, really, but I literally don’t know how to express what I’m feeling because my mother fucked me up and I ruin every relationship I have because of it.” Her admission tumbled from her lips before she could come up with some other excuse about why she always ran away from things like this, and always told people to <em> go for it </em> just to get them away from her. </p><p>    Oh. “Em…” JJ’s eyebrows were knit together. “I’m <em> sorry </em>.” </p><p>    Emily let out a long breath. “I am, too.”</p><p>    “I swear to god,” JJ said. “I majored in communications and I can’t communicate.” </p><p>    A small smile tugged at Emily’s mouth as she moved forward to hug JJ. “I shouldn’t have gotten mad. I didn’t know the whole story.” </p><p>    “You’re allowed to get mad,” the blonde objected. “I’ll talk to him, okay? Maybe tell him it isn’t best if we talk like this.” </p><p>    “Thank you,” the brunette mused. “I know it shouldn’t bother me that you’re just talking to someone but…” </p><p>    “Trust issues,” finished JJ. “I get it. Besides, it isn’t really necessary for either of us.” </p><p>    Emily leaned back on the counter, picking up the coffee cup she had borrowed. “Can I ask you something?” </p><p>    “Yeah?” </p><p>    “Did you ever…” </p><p>    JJ eyed her for a moment, unsure of what Emily’s reaction was going to be. She decided lying was no use, considering she was talking with a <em> profiler </em> . “Yes,” she started hesitantly, “but only once, and <em> never </em> again.” </p><p>    Silence hung in the air for a moment and then Emily laughed. She actually laughed as a wide smile crossed her face. “That bad, huh?” </p><p>    “In terms of men, not terrible, actually,” JJ shrugged. “In terms of what I could be getting, yes- pretty bad, and you are <em> way </em> too happy to be hearing this.” </p><p>    “Maybe I can show you that I’m better,” Emily teased, </p><p>    “Yeah, maybe,” she choked out, having no other words to respond to what Emily had suggested. </p><p>    “Although I’d really like to,” the older woman said, emphasizing <em> really </em>. “I don’t think the two of us are ready for that.” </p><p>    JJ could do nothing but agree. They were in the current stages of relaxing in a peaceful bliss and rapidly transitioning into a fight, and then repeating the process all over again. “Sometime,” she whispered, “you <em> definitely </em> need to show me you’re better, but I already know you are.” </p><p>    The brunette raised her eyebrows cockily. “Oh, yeah?” </p><p>    JJ nodded her head curtly. “Yup!” </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Florida</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Wow... look at me posting something four days in a row. Anyway, this chapter is kinda similar to my one shot ‘The Truth Told’ which about what definitely should have happened in 3x17. I’m excited for the next few chapters so hopefully I get them done quickly!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>June 2008</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>3x17</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ’s attempt to cut off communication with a certain southern detective was short-lived. In a desperate attempt to avoid New Orleans, she’d thrown out a case in Miami, but that hadn’t proved to be any better. She figured she should have looked into victimology first. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>So there she was, standing in a parking lot in the boiling heat, shaking hands with Will, professing they knew each other </span>
  <em>
    <span>professionally</span>
  </em>
  <span>. From the way Emily was smirking, JJ was sure she’d just projected the situation to anyone who had a basic understanding of microexpressions. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The last few months had gone smoothly. They hung out on girl’s nights and on their own (although they didn’t tell Garcia that), and they went out for breakfast and lunch occasionally. The two were starting to find it easier to express their troubles, but there were still a few bumps in the road. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Whenever Emily was angry, she closed herself off entirely, leaving JJ feeling like she did something wrong, which usually led to JJ feeling lost. That never ended well because she’d work </span>
  <em>
    <span>too </span>
  </em>
  <span>much and overdo everything until she was exhausted. They were each starting to catch onto patterns in each other’s behaviors, but neither one was sure how to break these habits or address the issue. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Another common occurrence was JJ’s inability to address her own feelings. She’d snap at other people and tell them what they were doing wrong. Freud would have called it reaction formation, but Emily was pretty sure it was just emotional trauma. Opening up had only gotten her hurt, so she closed herself down. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Whatever it was, it had served as a huge barrier, and Emily could tell this case was going to be hell, not only because it was quite literally burning outside, but also because it had been 5 minutes and JJ was already avoiding eye contact with her. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The blonde jerked her arm back when Will lightly grabbed it 20 minutes later, </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“What was that?” he asked. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“What was what?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Will rolled his eyes as if it were blatantly obvious. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Professionally</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah,” scoffed JJ. “We know each other </span>
  <em>
    <span>professionally</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Darling-” JJ cringed. “We’ve been talking for months, that’s hardly a professional relationship.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“That’s all it is.” She gritted her teeth, trying her best not to scream at their consulting detective. “I gave you my number as a support system, and I didn’t want it to be anything more, okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Cher-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Not now,” she hissed. “Seriously, if you want to talk, save it for later.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emily didn’t bother to press the matter when JJ appeared at her side, practically shaking. Instead, she patted her lightly on the shoulder and accepted the water bottle the blonde had for her. Maybe the best solution for the two of them would be to let everything work itself out, and discuss it later. Thus far, their communication during times of peril had only resulted in fights, so instead she went with a double sided joke. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“At least we have something nice to look at, keep us on our toes.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ froze, throwing a glare at Emily. “What do you mean?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The older woman raised her eyebrows. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I swear to god if you’re talking about </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Try the female, Jayje,” smirked Emily. “I was making a joke.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ sighed. “It sure as hell wasn’t funny.” She sighed, a small smile tugging at her lips. “For a second, I thought you were actually checking out a guy.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily scrunched up her face. “Gross. Never.” She paused, taking a sip of her water. “Can we talk later?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>And then she tensed up again, eyeing Emily suspiciously. “Sure.” One word responses... those were never a good sign. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ much would have preferred talking to Emily over Will. He was pushy, couldn’t read people (or situations), and considering their lengthy background, was looking for something </span>
  <em>
    <span>more</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The blonde internally cursed herself for using the front door when she saw the southern detective leaning against the railing, talking on the phone. She wasn’t one to walk away from conversations (unless it involved Emily, because, </span>
  <em>
    <span>damn</span>
  </em>
  <span>, that woman made her nervous) because she couldn’t bear the thought of leaving someone clueless, so she hesitantly approached him. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>As he pocketed his phone, he turned to her, eyeing the back on her shoulder. “It’s later, cher, can we talk now? Or are you leaving without saying goodbye?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“We can talk,” JJ sighed. “But can we please make this quick?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Will rolled his eyes. “You don’t want to talk to me or something? What is going on? It doesn’t take a profiler to see you’re clearly ignoring me.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ shifted on her feet as she adjusted her bag. “I... could you keep your voice down?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Will looked back towards the door, and JJ could almost see him visibly drawing connections. “Who do you not want to hear this conversation? Cause I don’t care if they hear us.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Well, I do,” scoffed JJ. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I think we’re on two different pages right now, aren’t we?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ raised her eyebrows. “We’re in two different books.” Will didn’t even know half the story, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to explain it all. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Enlighten me then, darling.” Will leaned impatiently against the railing. “Because I want to know what’s been going on.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Look,” JJ took a deep breath, searching for the right words. “I gave you my </span>
  <em>
    <span>work</span>
  </em>
  <span> number as a consultant because I could tell you didn’t really have many people to talk to.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah, and we kept talking, and some </span>
  <em>
    <span>other</span>
  </em>
  <span> things happened.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“We can’t do </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” JJ whispered, her eyes concentrating on the ground. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> can’t do this.” Hell, there wasn’t even a ‘this’ in the situation. They had nothing. She had been there as a friend, maybe something a bit more for </span>
  <em>
    <span>one</span>
  </em>
  <span> night, and that was it. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Why not?” demanded Will. “We were talking, we were fine, and then you stopped.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Because...” JJ felt her voice catch in her throat. “Because I’m...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Do ya have a boyfriend, JJ?” he asked. “Cause if that’s the case you could have just told me instead of playing a two faced-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“William,” she snapped, clenching her fists to keep herself from yelling. “We were</span>
  <em>
    <span> not</span>
  </em>
  <span> together, okay? It’s not like </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“What is it like, then?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>God, she was so done with these questions. “It just... it’s not going to work between us, okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Why not? I want a reason, cher, you can’t just talk to me for a whole damn year and then disappear off the face of the Earth.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“You’re looking for something more, Will,” she reasoned lightly, still trying to keep her heart beat under control, but she was quickly growing frantic, worried she’d have to admit something she didn’t want to. “And I can’t give that to you.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Will fell silent for a moment, likely contemplating the reasons behind JJ’s decisions, but she cleared her throat, words catching before she could say them. “I...” she hesitated. “I’m gay.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>He stared at her, and for a moment she was worried he was going to say something horrible. “Oh.” A small smile crossed Will’s face. “That’s a damn good reason.”</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah,” breathed JJ, shaking out her arms likely. God, why was she </span>
  <em>
    <span>shaking</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Probably because she’d never said that aloud before, but still, it seemed pathetic that those words worried her so much. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“You could have just said that.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I know,” JJ agreed with a small nod of her head. “But... they don’t know. So could we...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Keep this between us?” Will finished. “Of course.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>He looked at her, and she was surprised to find he looked somewhat worried. “You don’t have to apologize for being you, cher. Have a good night.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ swallowed heavily. “You too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She found herself back in the precinct five minutes later, slightly dizzy, both from the heat and her nerves, and it was no surprise to see that her boss was still there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch didn’t look up as he stated, “I thought you went back to the hotel.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ inhaled shakily, preparing herself to say this, knowing that, as a profiler, he would see right through this. “You said in the profile that the unsub was targeting gay males, possibly due to his struggles with his own sexuality, right?” It was a weak hope that Hotch wouldn’t read into her statement. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right,” he confirmed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” she continued, “what if the reason Luvet let his guard down was because he could finally be who he is? No judgments, no fear. What if the unsub is seeing a freedom in his victims that he wishes he had himself?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch finally looked up from the files to study JJ. She was doing a terrible job of hiding her shaking hands, and she was sure he saw something in the way she was shifting her weight between her two legs and averted eye contact. He didn’t say anything about that. Instead he said, “that would be a reasonable assumption. Go get some rest, JJ.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without another word, the blonde turned, making sure she used the side door, as she rushed off towards the hotel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emily had been waiting for JJ to come back. The blonde had lightly promised that ‘she’d be right behind her,’ but it had been at least half an hour. She knew the case had been rough for JJ, between the surprise appearance of the southern detective and the patterns emerging between the victims, but she wasn’t sure if she needed to be any more worried than she was. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>They had had a few discussions about JJ’s struggle with anxiety, that didn’t exactly match very well with her job, and she often played it off as nothing, but Emily, who had her fair share of nervous moments, clearly spoken for by her destroyed nails, could easily recognize when JJ was dealing with more than she was letting on. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>This was one of those days. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <em>
    <span>Finally</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she heard the door opening, and she stood quickly. “Did you get lost or something?” she joked lightly, quickly losing her smile when she saw JJ’s panicked face. “What’s wrong?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I think Hotch knows I’m not straight.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“What?” Emily let out a sharp laugh. “How the </span>
  <em>
    <span>hell</span>
  </em>
  <span> would Hotch know?” She sighed, easily reading JJ’s microexpressions and took her arm gently. “Come on, let’s sit down and talk.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ shook her head. “Let me change.” As she headed for her go-bag, Emily settled onto the bed while JJ shed her work clothes, replacing them with thin cotton shorts and a t-shirt. She crawled next to Emily, propping herself up on the pillows. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Alright,” the brunette reached out, brushing some of JJ’s hair from her face. “What’s going on?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I talked to Will,” she admitted. “And told him it was best if we didn’t talk. Well, I didn’t say that, I just said I didn’t think that we should be together-together, you know?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Mmhmm,” Emily nodded. “He asked why, didn’t he?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yes,” she continued hesitantly, trying to watch the other’s expressions and read how much of the untold story she was picking up.</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily was pretty sure she knew what had gone down (she was a profiler, of course she knew), but experience proved it was best to let someone use their own words. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“And then I told him that I’m gay.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The older woman raised her eyebrows. “You’re bi,” she pointed out. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ let out a small giggle. “Yeah, but if I told him that, he’d think that he still had a chance.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Fair point. Is that what’s bothering you?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The blonde offered a small shrug. “It just felt weird to say, and I was thinking- I’m always thinking, and then I went to talk to Hotch.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Why?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Something about the profile and </span>
  <em>
    <span>being afraid to be yourself</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” JJ didn’t bother explaining the whole thing, instead she skipped to the part she kept playing over and over in her head. “But I think the ‘struggles with his own sexuality part’ gave it away.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily nodded. “Yeah, that’d give it away.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“So you think he knows?” JJ's voice cracked in defeat, and her eyes seemed to unfocus, as if she was manually running through every outcome of the situation. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“No,” Emily corrected. “I think a </span>
  <em>
    <span>gay</span>
  </em>
  <span> person would know. I think Hotch just saw it as you making a logical connection about a case.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ looked at her with her wide blue eyes. “You really think so?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah,” the other agent assured her. “It’s all good, Jayje... is there something else bothering you?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I’d never said it before.” JJ glanced away, focusing her eyes on her hands as she shifted her position. This had been the cause of her worry, her doubt, and basically every negative emotion cascading over her that night. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Hmm?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I’d never actually said that... I like women... outloud. Like, I’ve implied it, and you know, but-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Oh... I get it,” Emily cut her off as all the pieces fell into place. Admitting it to yourself was the hardest part, really. And saying it outloud made it </span>
  <em>
    <span>real</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It took away the possibility that it was just something in your head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here.” She reached her arms out and pulled JJ against her. JJ sank into Emily’s shoulder and let out a shaky breath. “It gets easier,” the brunette assured her. “</span>
  <span>I promise.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It scares me,” JJ mumbled weakly, settling her head in the crook of Emily’s neck. “Is that stupid?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not at all.” Emily exhaled against her before pulling back to switch off the light. She flopped back down on the pillow, hand searching the darkness for JJ’s body. “Jayje?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” JJ’s voice sounded small in the emptiness that Emily was currently seeing (or not seeing). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you’re having a hard time making sense of what you’re feeling, I just wanted to let you know that I love you either way.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wasn’t sure if she meant it like</span>
  <em>
    <span> that</span>
  </em>
  <span>, or if it was just a measure of acceptance, but either way, her heart jumped, unsure of what JJ’s reaction would be. “JJ?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You- you love me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah... is that okay?” Emily’s eyes were beginning to adjust, but she still couldn’t make out JJ’s facial expressions. As it turns out, body language is about the only thing she’s good at reading. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course it is,” JJ breathed. “Thank you, Emily.” Somewhat blindly, the blonde shifted forward and pressed an off-centered kiss to Emily’s lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The brunette kissed her back, leaning into her warmth as they snuggled under the hotel blanket. Yeah, they’d had a rough start together, but with time came understanding of their small mannerisms and tells of emotions. It was a good sign that JJ had been able to tell Emily what had happened. Emotional vulnerability conveyed trust. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was something Emily wasn’t so good with, so she countered with her ability to be caring. She hoped that she’d grow to trust JJ with her emotions, but her life had only shown her that sharing secrets got you hurt, so maybe it would take a little longer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But for now, they at least had this. And that was good enough. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Is my writing getting progressively worse? Probably. Am I doing anything to fix it? Not at all lol.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Colorado</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay, I need some thoughts: do you guys want Henry in this story? I have an idea about how I could involve him but I’m not sure if I’m gonna do it.</p>
<p>Also, I was really excited to write this chapter cause Minimal Loss is one of my favorite episodes!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>October 2009</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>4x03</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>On the day you couldn’t hold yourself together anymore, you called for me. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I found you lying on the floor, broken like a glass dropped from the second story. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I picked up your pieces, one by one, and I cut my fingers trying to put you back together</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And after it was all done, we were both littered with scars, but you hid yours</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You asked me how anyone could love you when you were just a broken glass glued together</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>So I told you, you are not broken, my love, you are simply human. And that’s why I love you. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>. . . </p>
<p>
  <span>JJ wasn’t sure what she was feeling at that moment. Emotions were a complicated thing, especially during complicated times, and she wasn’t good with handling them. Her best coping mechanism was ignoring whatever was occurring until it went away but that clearly wasn’t going to work today. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>She didn’t think she’d be able to keep it in long enough. It had only been a few hours and her mask was already slipping. Hearing Emily, so broken and so fragile, crying, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I can take it. I can take it, </span>
  </em>
  <span>had shattered her. It had snipped the thin strands of hope that had been holding her together</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>JJ was spiralling, and she knew it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>Emily. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Her</span>
  </em>
  <span> Emily was in there and she was out here, not able to do anything but panic (and attempt to remain calm). She always managed to deal with whatever shit the world gave her, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> was just too much. It was too much for Emily. Too much for her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ was scared, she was so scared of what they’d done, and were currently doing, to her. And there was nothing she could do to help. Absolutely nothing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>She was nauseous, and dizzy, and scared, but mostly scared. Could Emily take it? Could JJ take it?  </span>
</p>
<p><span>God... she couldn’t. JJ was weak. She felt so damn weak. She wasn’t the one locked in a godforsaken cult complex and she couldn’t</span> <span>take it. Her stomach was heaving, and she was crying - dammit - FBI agents weren’t supposed to cry. Someone was grabbing her arms, dragging her towards a chair, but she couldn’t even make sense of it. She was dizzy. Was she dreaming? She hoped she was. </span></p>
<p>
  
  <span>There was water, a wet cloth and... nope. She couldn't do it. She was passing out. She was fucking falling and slumping over in her chair, and all it did was give her a few moments of peace and a damn headache. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>And after all that, she hadn’t even registered that Reid was in there, too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“JJ.” Someone was shaking her. “Jennifer, can you hear me?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>Her eyes fluttered open at a terribly slow rate compared to the pounding of her heart and the stars dancing across her vision. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Hey, there you are!” Morgan was bent in front of her with a hand resting gently on her knee. “I was worried about you there for a second, blondie.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>JJ only offered a groan and then, “Emily?” she swallowed, before vaguely recalling that there were, in fact, </span>
  <em>
    <span>two </span>
  </em>
  <span>FBI agents in there. “Reid?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Reid’s okay as far as we know. Emily’s a bit beat up, but fine.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Mmm,” was her incoherent reply. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Talk to me,” Morgan said. “What’s going on with you?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>JJ drew her knees into her chest, not helping with her already labored breathing. “I don’t know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <em>
    <span>I don’t know </span>
  </em>
  <span>is what you say when you </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> know, but you don’t want to say that. Any profiler knew it. “Jennifer,” Morgan warned, making it blatantly obvious that he knew she was lying. “Something’s going on. You sick?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“No.” Her voice cracked. God, she was doing a terrible job of hiding it, and Derek was quite aware. It was true, she may not be physically sick, but her mind was reeling so quickly it had sent her tumbling off the edge. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“We’re going in tonight,” Morgan assured her. “We’re gonna them out. It’s just gonna be a few more hours.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <em>
    <span>Well</span>
  </em>
  <span>, thought JJ, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that was far from reassuring. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Can they wait that long?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>Morgan shook his head. “They’re gonna have to.” He paused, studying the way JJ was ringing her hands together. “Are you feeling any better? You’re still really pale.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“No.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“What are you feeling?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>The blonde shook her head, which, in retrospect, wasn’t the greatest choice for the dizzy spell she was experiencing. “I feel like I’m gonna throw up,” she grumbled. “And I can’t see straight and I’m pretty sure my legs are shaking... why are you asking me this?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“You look really sick, JJ. You passed out, and what you’re describing sounds like some pretty bad anxiety.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Derek, I’m fine.” She extended her legs and crossed her arms over her chest as an instinctive defensive measure. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“You’re not,” he objected, “and if this is something that’s gonna hinder your ability to do your job-” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>JJ glared at him. “The fact that I struggle with anxiety </span>
  <em>
    <span>sometimes</span>
  </em>
  <span> does </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> affect my performance everyday. We’re allowed to have bad days,” she snapped. “Emily has bad days, so does Spence, and you </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> question their performance, so do you want to-” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Morgan interrupted. “I didn’t mean for it to come across like that.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“What did you mean, then?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>He sighed, trying to figure out the best way to word this. “I was attempting to point out that the </span>
  <em>
    <span>current</span>
  </em>
  <span> situation is something you shouldn’t have to work with if it’s hurting you this much.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“I can’t just... leave them,” JJ’s voice grew small again. “I feel useless.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Not every case requires your skill set,” Morgan reasoned. “You’ve got to understand that we all feel a little helpless right now, especially because those are two of our best agents in there.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>JJ dropped her face into her hands, trying to hide the embarrassment that was creeping up from her neck. “Derek, it is making me </span>
  <em>
    <span>physically</span>
  </em>
  <span> sick right now, and false hope is not helping at all.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>Morgan studied the woman in front of him, the way she couldn’t look him in the eye, as if there was something her behavior was saying that she couldn’t utter out loud. “What can I do for you, Jen?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>“Just... just get them out alive.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ watched with wide eyes as the building went up in flames. She didn’t register the explosion or the noise or the screaming. Her mind was locked on one thought. Emily. God, where was- there! She spotted her, limping away from the smoke, bruised and battered, but alive, nonetheless.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> It took all her willpower not to run forward, but Hotch’s instructions had been clear: do not move from the chair, so she stayed rooted in place, watching as Emily hugged Reid, exchanging inaudible words and apologies. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <span>She was crying again, but she didn’t care. They were both alive. Emily made her way towards JJ and offered a small, broken smile. The motion split the small cut on her lip. Her tongue darted out, wiping it away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” JJ choked out, raising herself shakily from the chair. Emily didn’t answer, she just pulled JJ tightly against her and didn’t let go for quite some time. “We need to talk later,” she finally muttered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The taller woman pulled away, glancing around, just to make sure no one had observed the way they clung to each other needily. “I know, but not now. Not here.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ sniffled, the tightening pull in her chest slowly returning. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” Emily rested her hand on the blonde’s shoulder. “I’m right here. I’m okay.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know. You are here,” JJ affirmed, as if saying out loud would convince her mind that everything was fine. It was far from that, and she knew it. Emily’s behavior, her recklessness, it was concerning. It said more than </span>
  <em>
    <span>I want to save Reid and the others</span>
  </em>
  <span>. To her, it silently spoke, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m willing to give my life up like that</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Like it’s nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And JJ was worried.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was always worried. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After the medics had examined Emily and Reid, they wasted no time getting home. JJ wanted nothing more than to curl into Emily’s side, but they couldn’t exactly do that on an airplane, so she let the older woman speak to Reid as needed, and tried her best not to bounce her leg too quickly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The three hour flight was painfully long, and JJ eventually pulled her phone out, not able to wait any longer. She clicked on Emily’s name, slowly typing out the message </span>
  <em>
    <span>can I go home with you?</span>
  </em>
  <span> She read it over and over again, looking for a non-existent spelling error, because, even after knowing Emily for this long, she was still afraid of making mistakes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emily twisted, looking up from her spot across from Reid, and offered a small nod. JJ’s phone buzzed a moment later. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Of course</span>
  </em>
  <span>, was the short reply. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was expected, but it still worried JJ when Emily refused to talk. Silently, they drove to Emily’s home together, leaving the blonde’s car at work. Silently, Emily parked her car and walked into the apartment. Silently, she showered, and then climbed into bed, her hand reaching for JJ’s without a word.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re shaking,” she observed, her breath brushing the smaller woman’s neck. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You scared me,” JJ whimpered, releasing Emily’s hand so she could turn and gingerly nuzzle into her shoulder. “God, what were you thinking?”  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emily let out a heavy huff. “I was thinking about the women and children there. I was thinking about all the people we needed to save.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ sniffled as hot tears began to roll down her cheeks. “Were you thinking about me?” She knew Emily had been, but in that moment, when Emily had been willing to give everything up, JJ had felt abandoned. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course I was. I was thinking about you the whole time, Jen.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You could have died!” JJ cried out, her small hands clinging to the front of Emily’s shirt. “They were going to </span>
  <em>
    <span>kill</span>
  </em>
  <span> you. They were going to beat you, Emily. You weren’t going to win a physical fight with words.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emily swallowed heavily, the slow rise and fall of her chest briefly comforting the blonde tucked against her. “You can’t beat someone who has nothing to lose.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With a sudden urgency that almost shocked the brunette, JJ shot up, pulling Emily into a sitting position with her. Her eyes were wide, teary, and frantic, searching for the meaning behind her words. “Emily...” Her voice was so fragile and scared. The way Emily had spoken... she had sounded </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> much like her sister in her final weeks. “You have </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> much to lose. You have me, don’t you?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course I have you,” Emily mumbled, her hands running up and down JJ’s arms. “I didn’t mean it like </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Didn’t you?” A sob caught in the blonde’s throat and she fell against Emily. “Did you... mean it like that...” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She couldn’t bring herself to say the actual words. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Did you mean you have nothing to live for</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Is that what Emily meant? Slowly, the brunette rocked them back and forth. Maybe she had meant it, but she wasn’t going to say it. Saying something made it real. Words made you acknowledge that there was a problem, and Emily would much rather avoid it. That’s how she’d always been. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m gonna be okay,” she finally said against JJ’s head, placing a small kiss there. “I promise.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What you did was reckless-” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You put your life on the line, Emily.” JJ tightened her grip on the brunette. “And I can’t lose you, okay?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I'm right here,” Emily coaxed, pulling them back down into a lying position. “I’m not going anywhere.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ nodded, finally feeling herself relax in the warmth of her girlfriend’s bed. “Emily?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I...” she paused, chewing on her lip. “I love you.” Her voice caught. It wasn’t that she was hesitant. God, she’d been so sure that she wanted to say it for so long, but she didn’t know how. So she’d said it, because that moment had simply seemed right. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emily stroked her fingers through blonde hair. “I love you, JJ, so much. And I would never purposely do something to hurt you, I want you to know that.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The blonde took a deep breath, her pounding heart finally beginning to slow. “I passed out today.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Her voice jumped, shooting up an octave. “Are you okay?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I didn’t get beat up by a cult leader today,” giggled JJ. “But I’m okay.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You passed out!?” Emily admonished, her jaw hanging open. “Are you sick?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Morgan thinks it was anxiety.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emily’s face fell, dissolving into worry. “Oh... Jayje... I didn’t know it was getting bad again.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mmm...” the blonde shifted her position, untangling her arm from around Emily. “It’s not. I was just worried about you. And Reid, too, but mostly you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And you... passed out?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe it was dehydration?” she attempted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emily let out a sharp laugh, squeezing JJ’s arm playfully. “Jayje, hon, I’ve seen you and your water bottle. You’re glued to it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah...” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe you should talk to someone about it.” Emily’s suggestion was soft and loving, but JJ immediately tensed up. The last time she’d seen a therapist had been after her sister died, and that had been nothing short of terrible. “Or not.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d rather not.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s okay,” Emily placed a soft kiss on her neck. “But you have to tell me when you’re having a bad day.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t if you’re locked inside a cult complex.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well,” mused the older woman. “I don’t plan on going into any other cults.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ curled onto her side. “Not funny.” She wanted to be angry, but with Emily tucked against her, the most she could do was express her frustration through a strong huff. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, really.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You should be, Emily, because you scared the hell out of me.”</span>
</p>
<p>. . .</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>They all think I’m strong</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But nobody knows how many times I’ve fallen</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nobody knows how many times I’ve broken down</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nobody knows how many times I’ve lost all hope</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Darling, nobody knows me. </span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Nevada</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Post 4x07, but we’re gonna pretend it’s in Nevada. (Also let’s ignore that I called the last one Nevada when it was Colorado, I’ve changed it now oops) </p><p>Warning: mentions of depression and SH, don’t read if that will affect you negatively </p><p>This chapter is rated M for that</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>November 2008</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>4x06/4x07</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To say that Emily had been different in the past few weeks would have been an understatement. At first it had appeared as an extensive change in behavior, which JJ thought could have been chalked up to a number of recurring issues, but as time passed, it seemed more and more like Emily had simply lost her ability to compartmentalize everything. Afterall, every mask begins to deteriorate eventually. Maybe it had been the trauma imprinted on her from Benjamin Cyrus, or maybe things were just getting really, </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> bad. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ hadn’t pushed it at first, because Emily had been very insistent that she was “getting over it” and “going to be fine,” but after the case in Nevada, she wasn’t so sure if she could keep acting like nothing was going on. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily had a history of lightly drinking, and it was never really an issue. They all drank at girl’s nights, Garcia the most of all, but for Emily, it was more of an escape, something she used to forget everything she faced day in and day out, instead of being something fun, like it was for the technical analyst. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ was starting to notice changes. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The headaches were getting more frequent. The loss of appetite. The irritation. Aggression. Difficulty sleeping. JJ knew the signs. She’d seen them in her sister, and in herself, for sometime, and she wanted to bring them up, she really did, but she was afraid that mentioning them would cause Emily to shut down and isolate herself completely. The fact that she was comfortable enough to display her exhaustion around JJ was good. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>It was emotional vulnerability, she figured, something that had slowly been building between them. JJ didn’t want anything to change. Well, she wanted Emily to feel better, but she was worried (as always) that a simple conversation would alter everything and sent the brunette tumbling off a cliff that she was already teetering on the edge of.  </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Vegas gives adults excuses to act like children, and that usually doesn’t end well. JJ, for her part, had been quite exhausted after the case, so she’d asked Emily if she wanted to come to her hotel room. Emily’s quick denial had been the first worry. JJ had texted her. An empty notification screen had been her second worry. The third was Emily’s quite obvious aggression. Even the rest of the team had noticed it, and Emily had </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> snapped at JJ (well, that’s not true, she had </span>
  <em>
    <span>exactly</span>
  </em>
  <span> twice, but those times were definitely justified). </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>But this... this was concerning. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ watched her the whole ride home. Besides nursing her apparent headache, she was obsessively tugging her sleeves down and gingerly tapping her thighs. The blonde didn’t bother giving her the option to deny her upcoming request. She tapped Emily’s shoulder as they were exiting the plane and said, “we’re going back to my place </span>
  <em>
    <span>together</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Jayje-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“No objections. We need to have a </span>
  <em>
    <span>real</span>
  </em>
  <span> conversation.” A real and honest conversation was quite difficult to have with Emily Prentiss, but she was going to try anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Here.” JJ handed Emily a blanket and a glass of water and settled onto the couch next to her. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily shifted, tucking her legs underneath herself. “Why are we doing this?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Because I’m worried about you.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She immediately tensed, and JJ could almost visibly see the way her emotions shut down, closing themselves off from the observable eye. Her face hardened and her grip on the glass tightened. “There’s nothing to worry about.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I’m not blind.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“And I don’t project my emotions on the world!” cried Emily. “Didn’t you tell Morgan a few weeks ago that </span>
  <em>
    <span>we’re all allowed to have bad days</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I did,” she began hesitantly, recalling her outburst from earlier, “but you’ve been having a few bad </span>
  <em>
    <span>weeks</span>
  </em>
  <span> and I just want to know what’s going on because I care about you.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I haven’t been having a few bad weeks...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ shook her head dismissively. “Don’t start. We never talked about what happened with Cyrus, and to me, it just seems like that might be-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“It’s not. I got beat up a little. I wasn’t tortured.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Emily,” the blonde pleaded. “Please. I’ve seen this before. And I know what it does.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The brunette set her water glass down on the coffee table, drawing the blanket up against her chest. “Seen... what?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“This behavior. I don’t know if it’s trauma, but I see that you’re struggling. You just seem... tired.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Depressed?” Emily offered, an empty laugh echoing from her chest. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ paused, letting out a slow breath as her eyes tried to read Emily. “It’s not a bad thing- well it </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but you don’t have to hide it or be ashamed of it.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“You know, I used to tell myself if I pretended everything was okay for long enough, it would be.” She leaned back against the couch, finally looking up to meet JJ’s eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I used to do that too.” It was a pathetic attempt at empathizing, but it was all she had. Sometimes, creating a vulnerable space got others to open up to. But what would JJ know? She wasn’t the profiler. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The room fell silent, aside from the slight buzz of the furnace. “It’s been hard, JJ.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah?” The blonde watched the other woman with a soft gaze of intensity, trying to coax the words out of her mouth with a comforting aura. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I’m supposed to be happy,” scoffed Emily. “I don’t have to worry about money, I have a job, I have a nice apartment, I have </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ scooted closer to Emily on the couch, touching their legs together. She reached her hand out and traced up Emily’s arm landing on her jaw and tilting her head up. “You don’t need a reason to be depressed. Sometimes it just... happens. And that’s okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I know.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“You told me last month that I needed to tell you when I’m having a bad day, and I’ve stuck to that promise.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily narrowed her eyes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Where was she going with this</span>
  </em>
  <span>? </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I just want you to do the same,” pleaded JJ. “Even if every day is a bad day.”</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The older woman swallowed heavily. It didn’t seem like that much to commit to. Maybe one small promise, for the first time in her life, she would actually be able to uphold. “Okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Good.” JJ exhaled as she leaned against Emily’s shoulder, gently placing a hand on her bouncing leg. “You’re nervous?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The brunette shrugged, chewing on her lip for a moment before muttering, “I’m having a bad day.” Her eyes flicked towards JJ, watching for her visible reaction, or response that it was entirely absurd to always be feeling this way, but it never came. She just took Emily’s hands and kissed her knuckles. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“What can I do to help you?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily’s eyes slipped shut. They were burning. She wasn’t supposed to cry- someone being compassionate for once in her life was not supposed to make her cry. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Emily?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She opened her eyes, a warm tear trailing down her cheek. “Thank you,” she croaked. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“For what?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Just... being you.” Emily sank into JJ’s side, snuggling under the blanket. “Every other person I’ve tried to talk to has pushed me away.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I’m not going to do that.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily wiped at the trails of tears, trying not to press too hard because her skin was already burning . “Of course you aren’t.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Compassion and empathy aren’t things that should scare you,” reasoned JJ. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“But they do, because no one has ever given me those things.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ’s hands wound in Emily’s hair, running through her dark locks. “I’ll give you those. I’d love to give you those things. God, Emily, I would do anything to help you.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily sat up abruptly, almost knocking into JJ. “You’d kiss me?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>A small giggled bubbled from JJ’s chest. “Of course I would. Doesn’t kissing release endorphins, anyways?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yep!” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Well, then,” JJ pulled Emily against her, breath tickling her ear. “We’ve got some kissing to do.” Emily laughed as their mouths met, lips slowly melding together. Her entire body warmed as they pressed against each other, tongues beginning to slip out, tracing lower lips. Teeth nipped lightly before JJ pulled away, her mouth finding Emily’s jaw and sucking on the skin. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“God, JJ,” Emily exhaled. “You’re so good.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Mm?” She rose back up, kissing Emily heavily again. “I have an idea.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily raised her eyebrows. “Does it involve kissing you again?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ stood, tugging Emily from the couch with a sarcastic sigh. “If you want.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah,” breathed the taller woman. “I definitely want it.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Well,” JJ pressed a light kiss to her lips. “We’re gonna shower, because warm showers fix everything, and then I’m gonna make you dinner and hot chocolate, and we’re gonna get you all the dopamine you need.” She affectionately tapped Emily’s nose and dragged her towards the bathroom. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Hold on.” Emily hesitated near the door. “We’ve, uh, we’ve never...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Showered together? There’s a first for everything... if you’re okay with that?” JJ pulled two towels from underneath the sink, watching Emily’s microexpressions carefully, although it was clear she was trying to control them, fighting down a blush and a look of concern. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah,” she breathed. “I’m good with that.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Good.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily closed the bathroom door, turning the fan on as the shower began to heat. It was a silly thing to be embarrassed as JJ shed her clothing (it had been her idea anyway), but it felt like such a private thing to be seeing. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Emily...” JJ moved forward, standing in just her bra and underwear. “You okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The brunette reached for the hem of her shirt. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.” She tossed her clothes on the floor, hesitantly letting her bra and underwear join them. Her arms moved over her chest, instinctively covering her body and shielding the undersides of her arms. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She stepped over the edge of the tub, joining JJ under the steam, keeping her eyes locked on the ground. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“You can look.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily’s eyes shot up, locking with JJ’s loving stare. “Hmm?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“You can look, at me, if you want.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She swallowed heavily, dropping her gaze across JJ’s body, watching the water trail down her perfect skin. “You’re so beautiful,” she breathed, finally untucking her arms from around her body to reach out for JJ, pulling her into a kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>It was an oddly intimate feeling to have their bodies pressed together, warm water enveloping them, soothing the goosebumps that had formed in the cool air of JJ’s apartment. Emily’s heart shouldn’t have been going as fast as it was. She’d been </span>
  <em>
    <span>with </span>
  </em>
  <span>people before, but it had never really felt like this. She’d never felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>close</span>
  </em>
  <span> to someone. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Hey,” JJ pulled away, resting her head on Emily’s shoulder. “We’re gonna be okay. Both of us.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“You’re scared.” JJ didn’t bother giving Emily the choice to object. It was a plain statement. It was true. “Why?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily swallowed, her fingertips dancing along her own arms. “I find a way to scare everyone away. Sometimes I think that maybe I was just meant to be alone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” It was a harsh objection, JJ knew that, but she couldn’t go on letting Emily think that no one in the world would take the time to get to know her. “No one is met to be alone, Em. Especially not you.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes...” she trailed off, brain fighting to find the right words. God, she was standing naked in front of this woman, hoping that she hadn’t taken the time to observe her body closely. “Sometimes I just feel alone. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Really</span>
  </em>
  <span> alone. And I’ve done some stupid things because I just felt... empty.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ nodded slowly, her mind coming to the realization of what Emily could be talking about. Her eyes flitted down and the taller woman pulled her arms away. “Em, it’s okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The both paused, staring at each other. “Let me wash your hair,” JJ finally decided. “It might be easier to talk when we’re not in the shower.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emily laughed dryly. “Yeah.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The blonde reached to her side, grabbing the bottle of shampoo. She poured some of it into her palm and reached towards Emily, beginning to work it into her scalp. It took them a while to actually get out of the shower. It was comfortable, being held in the embrace of another woman, underneath the warm water. Eventually, Emily pulled back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” she sighed. “My feet are starting to hurt.” She reached through the curtain, blindly fishing around for the towels. She handed it to JJ and they dried off and dressed separately. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emily didn’t bother putting her work clothes back on. She ended up borrowing one of JJ’s sweatshirts and an old pair of sweatpants. Some twenty minutes later, she was curled on the couch again, a cup of hot chocolate in her hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ joined her a few moments later. “Are you feeling better?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She smiled thinly. “A bit. I really appreciate this, Jayje.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course.” She reached out, placing her hand on Emily’s knee. “Earlier you said... you said you’ve done some stupid things.” She really didn’t want to force the words out of Emily, but she was worried. Really worried. Maybe it had slipped from her a small moment of vulnerability, but Emily seemed completely closed off now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She bit her lip, pinching the bridge of her nose. “You already know, don’t you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I- yeah.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not many people would have put it together.” Emily took a sip of her hot chocolate, figuring that was the most she could offer. Confirmation that JJ had been right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were in the shower, Em,” she mumbled. “I saw.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emily felt her mouth go dry. “You didn’t say anything, though.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t exactly the right time, but, um...” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s been a while, if you couldn’t tell... I just thought I’d let you know that I-” Emily paused, suddenly contemplating the necessity of saying it outloud. She always thought wearing long sleeves and pretending that she was okay made her, at the least, alive. She sighed. She could do this. She needed to. “That I used to... hurt myself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ nodded, her heart jumping, even though she’d seen the faded white lines earlier. She’d known well enough what they were. “Thank you for telling me.” She set her cup down on the table and tugged up her sleeves slowly, scratching her nails along her skin. “You see, it’s not gonna scare me away.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emily had to squint to see the few faint lines left behind. She figured you’d barely even see them if you weren’t staring at JJ’s forearm, knowing what you were looking for. They almost blended in perfectly, but they were there. “You were young,” she concluded, the vulnerable situation somehow making her feel more comfortable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh... fourteen,” the blonde confirmed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was fifteen, the first time.” Emily wasn’t even sure why she said it. It seemed more like a trade, secret for a secret. But the words were spilling out. “I stopped for a while. A really long time, actually, but a few years ago... I- I really don’t know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ took Emily’s hand in her own, closing their fingers together. “They weren’t new, so that’s good.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emily thought for a moment. “Three months, I think. Close to that. I really don’t know why I’m telling you this.” She squeezed her eyes shut. Talking just made her so damn nervous sometimes. Especially when she was the center of the conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> glad you told me, Emily. You don’t have to hide these things from me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You don’t have to hide those things from me</span>
  </em>
  <span>. If only she understood how hard it was to take after your mask after having it glued to your face. “Thanks.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At least she was trying. At least she cared. Emily squeezed her hand, placing a kiss on the top of JJ’s head. Ripping her mask off hurt, yes, but it was so much better than having to hide everything. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry I disappeared for a while. I had a really busy few weeks and I haven’t been doing so well but I’m trying to get back on my schedule of posting once a week :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Alabama</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Well this is a little bit far from canon and doesn’t really deal with the case, but I needed a way to bring Henry in. </p><p>So, does everyone remember that niece JJ mentioned in season 2? I’m using that (kinda). Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter!!</p><p>Also, do you guys want chapter summaries? I can add them in the future (and for old chapters). I feel like they might be helpful.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>November 2008</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>4x13</strong>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
Emily had waited for the wake of destruction after that night with JJ, but it never came. If anything, they had gotten closer after that. When JJ was too worried to get her work done, she’d tell Emily, and when Emily felt as if she couldn’t do anything, she’d (reluctantly) tell JJ. It worked out, in the end. They found a way to help each other, always be there for the other. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She supposed she’d never had what would be considered a “healthy” relationship, which was probably why any kind thing JJ did shocked Emily to her core, and she felt the need to incessantly thank her until the blonde was ready to kiss her again just to make her shut up. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>It had all been going really well. They had briefly discussed whether or not it was worth telling the team, but decided against the amount of hassle it would take. Besides, even before they’d started dating, they’d touched each other regularly. Now, they just had to tone down the loving taps and lingering touches. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily figured trying to do that wouldn’t be so hard. Especially not this week, seeing as JJ had completely shut herself off. It took her three days of almost no speaking to finally ask her what was wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>They were in Alabama, working on some case or another. It wasn’t particularly horrendous, which is why Emily was distracted (or maybe she was just distracted because of JJ, she didn’t really know). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She leaned back in her chair at the conference table, watching the way JJ was bouncing her leg and twisting her fingers together. “Okay,” she decided. “What is going on with you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ glanced up, her body stilling. “Nothing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did I do something?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What-” JJ’s jaw dropped. Was Emily mad at her? They hadn’t fought in weeks (besides the silly stuff, but she didn’t count that).  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been closed off, Jayje, I just wanna know if I did something that made you upset? Maybe we could talk about it?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Her head turned side to side, checking that the door was securely closed. Emily waited as she rose from her chair, shifting so they were closer together. She watched intently as JJ toyed with her phone, tapping the screen a few times. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“A few days ago, I got a call, I didn’t recognize the number-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily didn’t even let her finish the sentence. “Are you in danger?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“What?” scoffed JJ, laughing lightly. “No, not at all.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Oh, thank god.” She leaned back, her silence allowing JJ to continue. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I got a call and I answered it... it was my father.” Recognition passed over Emily’s face and she leaned forward, taking JJ’s hand. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Are you okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“You haven’t talked to your dad in years.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Since I was sixteen, but he left when I was eleven.” She closed her eyes, taking in a shaky breath. “I’ve told you I have a niece, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“No.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Well, not really, I don’t know what they’d call it, second cousin once removed or something like that.” She opened her eyes again, flipping her phone around. “My dad remarried after he left my mom, and she had a son. He... he and his girlfriend had a kid, I don’t know her name, but I knew she was family so...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Jayje, what happened?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She chewed on her lip, fighting to find the right words. “The son, I think his name </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ryan... he died in a car crash. The girlfriend, too.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Oh my god.” Emily bit her nail, gnawing at the dull edges. “I’m so sorry.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I didn’t know them. But that’s not why my dad called. My niece, I guess, doesn’t have anyone else, and my dad isn’t going to take her in, even though she’s technically like his granddaughter, and I’m the only other family member so-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“You're the last resort before she gets put into the system.”</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ exhaled. “Yeah.” Her phone clattered to the table as she dropped her head into her hands. “And I can’t do that to her, I can’t let her lose both her parents and then send her into some crappy home, but I don’t know if I’m ready...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“How old is she?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Ten, I think. I mean, I’ve always wanted kids, but suddenly... I’m just...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“It’s a big responsibility,” reasoned Emily. “But I also know that you’d make a great mother, and she’s old enough to handle herself partially when we’re away on cases.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I’d be taking her in only to leave most of the time.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily sighed, rubbing JJ’s back gently. “I can’t make this decision for you, but I’m willing to support whatever you pick. Besides, I’m sure Garcia would be ecstatic to have someone to hang out with.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah.” JJ let out a watery chuckle, wiping her eyes. “Do you think it’d be worth meeting her first? Or is it bad to give her false hope?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Garcia could probably get some info from her system, that way you’d know about her beforehand, if you want.”</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I’d just rather... meet her.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I could go with you, you know.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ looked up, a brief flicker of hope passing through her eyes. “Really?” It would be so much better to have someone she trusted by her side. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Of course.” Emily smiled, squeezing her cold hand. “How long have you been thinking about this?”</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“How long have you noticed I’ve been off?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily smiled. “Fair point.” She paused, watching the conflicted emotions passing over the blonde’s face. “Something’s still worrying you...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Uh, yeah.” She stood up, pushing her hair from her eyes. “I’d have to talk to my dad, and I don’t know if I can do that.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The brunette knew exactly how she felt. She was the same way with her mother. She’d gone years, probably close to a decade without seeing her, and then she’d shown up while they were working on a case. To say it had been a horrible experience would have been far from the actual emotional toll it took on Emily. “I will be with you. The whole time.”  </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ turned to look at her, a wide smile playing across her face. “We might have to lay off the kissing, though. I’m not exactly out to anyone in Pennsylvania. I’m pretty sure you and Will-” she almost visibly cringed at that- “are the only ones who know.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah, I’m not planning on outing you to your parents.” Emily shuddered, her mind flashing back to her childhood in Italy. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I sense a story...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The older woman rolled her eyes. “We’re gonna have a long car ride from DC to Pennsylvania, aren’t we?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Much to JJ’s demise, the case ended far sooner than she would have liked. She’d kept up minimal conversation with her father, and the social worker, who had already established she was more than fit to take in a ten year old child. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily sat next to her on the plane ride home, careful not to get too close, because, as far as the team knew, they had a very touchy </span>
  <em>
    <span>friendship</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>They at least stopped to change clothes and get some food before hitting the road. Seeing as her dad lived closer to Philadelphia, it was only going to be a two and half hour drive. It still seemed painfully long to JJ, and she bounced her leg the entire way. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily tried to fill it with a number of stories, including the time she got outed to her mother when she was sixteen and nearly disowned. Apparently, JJ didn’t find that funny because she nearly started crying. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“JJ, that’s not going to happen to you,” Emily attempted. “I wasn’t projecting onto your situation... it was just a story.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>That didn’t really help. “If my dad finds out, he’s going to </span>
  <em>
    <span>hate</span>
  </em>
  <span> me more than he already does.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“He’s not going to find out. I’m just a colleague who drove you here, remember?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah. Right. I remember.” She shifted, tucking her feet underneath her and shaking her hands out nervously. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Hey.” Emily took one hand off the steering wheel and put it on JJ’s knee. “It’s gonna be okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ wanted to believe her. She really did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily could almost sense the way JJ became more aware as they neared the neighborhood her dad had directed them to. It was like she could visibly see her sympathetic nervous system turning on, sending adrenaline to all parts of her body, preparing her to run. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“This it?” The blonde pointed at the house on the corner. It was small, but seemed like a decent place to live. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily checked the scribbled address. “Yeah. You ready?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I have to be.” JJ grabbed her phone, shakily getting out of the car. Emily met her on the sidewalk, giving her hand one last reaffirming squeeze before they parted, standing far enough away to pass off as friends. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily was the one to knock on the door. JJ was too busy hugging herself, trying to hide the way her arms were shaking. A man, who must have been JJ’s father, answered the door a few moments later. He first looked at the blonde, studying her appearance, and then Emily, a slight flash of confusion appearing as quickly as it disappeared. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Jennifer,” he said. “It’s good to see you.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Hi,” was all she managed in response. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Uh, I’m Emily.” She waved, filling in the awkward silence. “We work together, and I drove her up.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>He smiled warmly. “That was nice of you, Emily. I’m Mark, Jenny’s father, if you hadn’t figured. Come on in.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ stepped over the threshold, her panicked eyes momentarily meeting Emily’s. She knew that gaze well, the one that said </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m barely hanging on</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Emily simply smiled, knowing there wasn’t much they could do know. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“So, if you go through with this,” Mark started. “The social worker sent over the paperwork. She’d still have to meet with you, evaluate where you live, but it’d only take about a week.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“She’s been staying in the guest room. Keeps asking to go back to her house. She’ll be allowed to get her things once we figure out where she’s gonna stay.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Uh,” JJ hesitated. “What’s her name?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span> “They called her Hallie, but...” he trailed off, pausing outside the bedroom at the end of the hall. “Go on in.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ nodded, knocking lightly on the door. Shuffling feet were heard and a few moments later, the door creaked open. A small blonde figure hid partially behind the door.</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Come in.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She slipped into the room, motioning at Emily to stay in the hall. The door was immediately closed behind JJ. She was met by a cold stare with eyes that looked shockingly like her own. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Hi, my name is Jennifer,” she started, feeling her nerves slowly begin to dissipate. “I’m, uh, I’m Mark’s daughter, so technically your aunt, somehow.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“He told you my other name, didn’t he?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ’s eyebrow rose, trying to read the expression she was looking at. “What?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I don’t go by that name. I’m Henry, and I’m a boy.” He flopped onto the bed, ready for JJ to deny what he’d said. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Oh.” She smiled widely. “That’s a really cool name!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>   The boy’s face lit up. </span>
  <span>“Really?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah! Can I sit there?” She pointed at the empty chair, next to the desk, where a few comic books and legos were strewn. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Henry seemed to visibly relax, nodding. “Some people think Henry is a weird name, but I like it a lot.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Getting to pick your name is so much better than being stuck with what your parents give you, right?” It bothered her that her father had refused to use the correct name, even though he was likely aware that the </span>
  <em>
    <span>boy</span>
  </em>
  <span> prefered it. Maybe this was why he had refused to take him in. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah, definitely.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I go by JJ, pretty much the furthest thing you can get from Jennifer.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Cool!” He bounced slightly on the bed, almost over-excited at the way JJ was talking with him. “Mark says that I might get to go home with you, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ had been unsure when she’d first arrived, but maybe the uncertainty had been with her dad. There was no way she was leaving Henry to get stuck with a family that would likely insist he was a girl. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah.” She bounced her leg a bit. “I’ve got a bit of paperwork to do, and it’ll take a few days, I think.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I’ve always wanted to go to DC, there’s so many museums, have you been?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ laughed. “I have. Maybe we can go together sometime.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Oh my god, yes!” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>They talked for a while, getting to know each other. Henry showed her the maps of the metros in DC and the museums he wanted to see. The more words they exchanged, the more secure JJ became with her decision to take him in. She had a guest bedroom that she hardly went in, and it would be perfect for him, </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She emerged from the bedroom, smiling, with Henry right on her heels, still babbling about how he was going to join a soccer team, just like JJ. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily was sitting awkwardly at the kitchen table, sipping a glass of water. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“So, what paperwork do I need?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The brunette stood, a wide smile spreading on her face. Mark pointed at the table. “All that, the number you’ve gotta call is on there.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ grabbed the stack and nodded. “Well, I’ll get this filled out and you,” she pointed at Henry, “just have to wait a few days.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>He rolled his eyes before retreating back to the guest room, barely even looking at Mark before closing the door behind him. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Jenny, do you really want to-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She huffed loudly, crossing her arms over her chest. “Yeah, I do. I think he’s really cool.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Her dad seemed to flinch at the statement. Emily looked confused only for a moment, before a look of realization crossed her face, and she glared angrily at Mark. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“You should visit more often,” her father attempted.</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ didn’t respond. She was already halfway out the door, paperwork in hand, with her girlfriend right behind her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Emily, if he ever wants me to go back in there, you’re gonna have to talk me out of it because I suck at saying no.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She climbed into the driver’s seat, glancing at JJ. “He didn’t seem that bad.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“He knew that </span>
  <em>
    <span>Henry</span>
  </em>
  <span> preferred that name and wouldn’t use it. That’s- that’s terrible. And he kept saying </span>
  <em>
    <span>she</span>
  </em>
  <span> instead of </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah,” Emily sighed, beginning to drive. “That’s bad. But Henry seemed nice?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“He seemed really happy considering his parents died a week and a half ago, but we don’t really know anything about the situation he was in, so...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“So, you’re ready to do this?” Emily asked. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ chewed on her lip. “Yes, I am,” she decided. “But you’re gonna help me, right? Cause I don’t think I can do this alone.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Of course.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was no surprise that the CPS worker said JJ was fit to take Henry in. The paperwork went through quickly, and in about two weeks, it was determined that he would have a new home. She and Emily spent their few spare hours fixing up the guest bedroom, getting a dresser, and some new sheets. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>They had a quick case in Charlston, and after that, they made the drive to the outskirts of Philadelphia. JJ’s father had at least taken Henry to his old home to retrieve the rest of his belongings. His clothes and toys were packed into boxes that easily fit into the back of JJ’s SUV. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>He was literally bouncing back and forth by the time they pulled into the driveway. JJ got out to greet him with a light hug. She halfheartedly waved at her father and the woman standing next to him, who she presumed would technically be her step mother. It didn’t take long for them to get back on the road. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“How far is the drive?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily looked back from her place in the passenger's seat. “About two and half hours, do you need something?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“No, I actually kinda like car rides.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“So do I!” JJ pitched in. “Gives us time to talk.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Don’t you dare give him the speech about school,” Emily warned. “We’re saving that for later.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Oh, she’s fun!” Henry shifted in his seat, looking at Emily as he pulled at the buckle across his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily laughed, tossing her hair over her shoulder in a teasing manner. “I know I am.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>They talked a lot on the ride back home. Henry mostly talked about DC, and some TV show he’d been watching. Eventually he cleared his throat. “Can I ask you guys something?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Both women tensed, noting the shift in his voice. JJ nodded, glancing in the rearview mirror. “Yeah, go ahead.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Two things actually.” He waited for them to nod before continuing. “Okay... you are good with me being a boy, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ turned slightly, trying to keep her eye on the road before she affirmingly said (being sure to use his preferred name), “of course, Henry.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Absolutely,” Emily added with a warm smile. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“That’s good.” His shoulders sagged in relief. “My parents didn’t like it too much. This is all the shorter they’d let me cut my hair.” He tugged at his blonde hair, brushing it from his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Well then,” said JJ, “if you want, we could get your hair cut and get you some new clothes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes!” He clapped excitedly. “You guys are so great... are you dating?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>They hadn’t been expecting him to throw that sentence in there. Maybe he’d purposely lightened the mood before asking it, but either way, it took them by surprise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ’s face reddened and Emily’s jaw dropped. They’d been profiled in two hours by an </span>
  <em>
    <span>eleven</span>
  </em>
  <span> year old boy, and they hadn’t touched each other. He watched their reactions. “Oh, you totally are.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Henry...” JJ scoffed, a smile finally crossed her face. “You are really something else.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Haha!” he laughed. “You guys are gay! That is </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> cool!” </span>
  <span>Emily rolled her eyes, reaching over to pat JJ’s leg.<br/>
</span>
</p><p>She could already tell that this was going to be quite an adventure, and it had barely been two hours. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Ohio</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I’m changing the rating to mature because of a bit at the end, and just as a precaution for future chapters and stuff. </p><p>So, I know I disappeared for three weeks but I’ve been crushed by school work, sports, and mental health problems. </p><p>I’m not that proud of this chapter, but I wanted to give you guys something.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>January 2009</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>4x15</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
Together</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have this theory that soulmates exist because their atoms were near each other when the universe was created. They are simply particles, dust in the empty vacuum of space, searching to return to the way things once were. Perfect. Balanced. Simple. Equilibrium.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ had never believed in fate. In soulmates. In coincidences. In astrology. None of it. She had a hard time believing that everything in life was predetermined, innate, and set in stone before one took their first breath. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>With so many u-turns, reverses, and detours in her life, she couldn’t believe that it was supposed to be this way. She’d been too close to the grasps of death too many times, and she didn’t want to believe that was the way the universe had written it. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She didn’t want that life. A life of misery, and death, and suffering. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>But at least it was something. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The last few weeks had been chaotic, to say the least. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Garcia had used her magic computer abilities to help JJ with all the paperwork that came along with adopting a child. They found Henry a school (that called him by the right name), where he would continue fifth grade, and they’d also hunted down a pediatrician and dentist because, well, those were important, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch gave JJ two weeks off to help her get settled with her new responsibility. She’d only had one case back, and it had been quite a short one. Henry had gone to school, and then been picked up by Haley because Jack attended preschool at the same location. Henry hadn’t been that enthused to spend time with a four year old, and within a week, was begging JJ to hang out with some of the boys at his school. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She’d taken him to one friend’s house for a Saturday, and it had gone seemingly well. The adjustment wasn’t as hard as she’d expected. Henry wasn’t a picky eater and knew how to manage himself. The one thing JJ didn’t want to bring up was the therapy. It had been the recommendation of the social worker that Henry see a therapist for a month, to talk over the death of his parents, his identity, and the transition to DC. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She wanted to give him some time before throwing him into that. Although Henry really wasn’t at home much, between school and friends, and the club he’d joined at, JJ was still entirely too nervous to go back to work. She’d gone over the logistics a thousand times. Henry wasn’t really going to be alone that much. Garcia would work from her apartment on the nights he couldn’t be with Haley and Jack, or the nights their new babysitter couldn’t stay over. It was all going to be fine, but she’d rubbed her fingers raw by fidgeting with them. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Jen, I told you,” Emily repeated for the fifth time that morning as she pulled the door open, letting JJ emerge from her apartment first. “He’s going to be fine, and we can call him tonight, okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ nodded, a little breathless. “Yeah.I know, I know. But... we just don’t know how long we’ll be gone for and-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“You can’t control the unknowns,” her girlfriend pointed out. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I know, but-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“No.” Emily patted JJ’s shoulder. “No buts. We’ll get through this together. Say it.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The blonde let out an irritated sigh. This was simply wasting time. “Together,” she grumbled. “We’ll get through this together.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Great!” admonished Emily, taking a long sip of her coffee. “Now that we’ve established that, I will be driving.” She snatched the keys from JJ’s hand. “You driving when you're anxious sounds like a bad idea.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“It doesn’t sound like one. It </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> a bad idea.” </span>
</p><p>. . . </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Phone Calls</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>For a communications liaison, JJ really hated phone calls. She hated not knowing if someone was really smiling, or if they could make their voice sound happy. She hated not being able to read body language. And she hated, most of all, the condescending tone of most men she talked to. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Thankfully, Garcia had knocked on her door, signalling the presence of something much more important than the ignorant male on the other end of the line. She dropped her phone with an irritated sigh. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“We have a case, don’t we?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Garcia offered her a sympathetic look. “Unfortunately, sweetie, we do. Rossi needs these handed out pronto.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ stood, taking them, and flipping through the first few pages. “Rossi away right now, isn’t in? In Cleveland?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Serial killers seem to pick convenient locations, don’t they?” Garcia paused, watching her blonde friend chew on her lip. “You’re nervous about leaving Henry alone for the first time, aren’t you?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ readjusted her grip on the files. “He’s only eleven, and I know he’s gonna stay with people I trust, but-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I am the goddess of technology, Jayje. If you want to talk to him, he will be summoned from his little fifth grade classroom where they’re making a model of solar system-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“No, we’re not interrupting school.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Soccer practice?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Garcia!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With nothing relevant to her job in the first few hours of the case, JJ had too much time to think. Emily was enrapt with the case, having little spare attention for the worrisome blonde. It wasn’t until that night that JJ finally picked up her phone, searching for the number that she’d given Henry. She clicked on it, praying he’d answer. The dial tone rang for a moment before- </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“JJ?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Why was she worrying? He was safe in DC. “Hey, bud.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Is something wrong?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I... no.” She lowered herself on the hotel bed. “I just wanted to call and see how you were doing. I’m gonna be gone for a few days.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I know, Penelope told me. She brought pizza.”</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ laughed. Of course she had. “That’s great! Haley’s gonna be taking you to soccer practice tomorrow morning. Jack has something with his preschool team at the park, too.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Even though communication between Hotch and Haley was limited, she still drove Henry places. It was an unspoken arrangement that had formed when another “BAU kid” was brought to DC. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Well, good luck with your case. Catch the bad guy!” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I’m trying, Henry.” JJ smiled a little as she put the phone down. He was going to be fine by himself. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I told you.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Her head snapped up to see Emily standing by the bathroom, towel wrapped around her. She’d evidently gotten out of the shower and heard the last part of the conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Huh?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I told you he was going to be okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ sighed, flopping back onto the bed. “I can’t help but worry. That’s what I’m supposed to do.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Slowly, Emily made her way to the bed. “How can I help you?” she whispered, tucking JJ’s hair behind her ears. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The blonde shrugged, pulling Emily into a hug. “Just hold me,” she muttered. “Please.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Of course. We’ll call him again tomorrow, okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ didn’t respond. She just sank against her side, not minding that her shirt was damp from the water in Emily’s hair. </span>
</p><p>. . . </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Mothers</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ wasn’t a mother. Well, she didn’t feel like one. She had an eleven year old and that was it. But this case. This day. It made her heart ache. It made her feel the loss a mother felt when her child died. Zoe was dead. She was dead because she went after something she liked. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>That could have been her. If JJ hadn’t been as careful as she was a kid, it easily could have been her. There were so many things in her line of work that could get her killed, but none of that hurt as much as seeing a mother grieve. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Henry had only been with her for a few weeks, but thinking about losing him made her stomach turn. Seeing Zoe’s mother cry made her wish that she didn’t live in a world where murderers existed. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>That’s why she had her job, right? She had to catch the murderers. The serial killers. The arsonists. The </span>
  <em>
    <span>rapists</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She went through this hell so others didn’t have to. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Damn empathy, she figured. Maybe if she were like Emily or Reid this job wouldn’t hurt so fucking bad, but it seemed she absorbed whatever energy was in the air. And it was always sad. Always cold. And always filled with death. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She was leaning over the sink, staring into her empty eyes. She’d seen too much death for one woman. Too much. And it was getting to her. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <em>
    <span>You picked this job</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she reminded herself, </span>
  <em>
    <span>this is entirely your fault. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“It’s not your fault that some people chose to murder others.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ jumped. “Holy fucking hell, Emily! Don’t do that!” She tugged her sleeves down, glaring angrily at the woman in the doorway. “And how did-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“You get this look when you’re trying, and failing, to convince yourself that something isn’t your fault.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I get it,” she reasoned. “We spend all this time watching people die. It starts to feel like we should be able to do more, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ nodded slowly. “Seeing Zoe’s mother... I- I felt scared. Really scared.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Because you're a mother now?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“No. I’m a mother figure, but... it had the same effect, I guess.” She sighed, running her hands through her hair, that she’d recently gotten cut. “I’ve felt off this whole case. I’m shaky and anxious and </span>
  <em>
    <span>afraid</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Being responsible for two humans instead of one can do that.” Emily moved forward, squeezing JJ’s shoulders. “I think we need to get you away from blood for a little while, how does that sound?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Amazing.” </span>
</p><p>. . . </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Waiting</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Cases were always full of waiting. Waiting for the next body. The next phone call. The next clue. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Anxiety and waiting don’t go well together. JJ was waiting in the hotel room. She’d gone back, and she felt weak. And stupid. She should have just sucked it up. She’s a big girl who’s capable of taking care of herself. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>And here she was, hands shaking as she held the phone, debating if she should wait for a phone call or call someone first. Henry was at school, so she had </span>
  <em>
    <span>a lot</span>
  </em>
  <span> of waiting to do. Waiting for Henry. And Emily. And the team to catch the unsub. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Too much fucking waiting. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She’d waited for seven years after her sister died to finally get out of the hell hole of a town that she’d lived in. She’d waited to graduate so she could finally start her life. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>And- oh, thank god, the door was opening. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Emily!” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“What’s wrong?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ froze. Had she really sounded that frantic? “Um... I wanted to call Henry because I was worried, but he’s at school, and I was just getting freaked out being alone- it’s, uh, it’s really stupid but-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“It’s not stupid.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Is the case over?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah. We’re staying the night, though.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ sank back onto the bed. “Did I ever tell you why I joined the FBI?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“No.” Emily kicked her shoes off, sitting next to JJ. “You want to tell me?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I was a senior at Georgetown and had no clue what I was supposed to do with my life. I ended up going to some book talk- Rossi’s book talk- and applied to the FBI about a month later.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily let out a breathy laugh. “You’re here because of Rossi? That’s hilarious.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ narrowed her eyes. “It’s not! I also wanted to do something useful, but sometimes I regret my decision.” Her face softened. “It’s just a lot of death. I never really thought about that when I first joined.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“We all know death happens,” Emily reasons. “We all wait for it to happen, and then when it happens right in front of us...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“It makes it real.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>As much as JJ was ready to go home, a quiet night seemed to be what she needed. Emily could feel her worry dissipating as they laid together, the thoughts of death slowly leaving their minds. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>It wasn’t until Emily had nearly dozed off to sleep that JJ turned to her. “Can I ask you something?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Mmhmm.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Do you ever wonder why we waited?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily blinked, suddenly wide awake. “What?” her voice cracked, clearly giving away how surprised, and confused, she was. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“We’ve been together, more or less, for over a year. And we... We've taken things really slowly. Not that it’s a problem, I was just wondering...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I didn’t want to pressure you,” Emily reasoned, rolling onto her side so she could face JJ. “And after the first time we kissed... I was afraid doing anything else might mess things up.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I trust you, you know. And I don’t think I’ve ever trusted anyone before.” She hadn’t. She really hadn’t. She’d stopped trusting when she was eleven, and it had been a long 20 years of rebuilding the ability to trust. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily smiled. “I’m glad.”</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“So, if I... if-” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She didn’t need to know what the question was to respond. With little hesitation, Emily shifted, pulling JJ towards her and locking their lips together. A muffled cry escaped the blonde as she lifted her hands, tangling them in Emily’s dark hair. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Here, in Emily's arms, she was trapped in a bubble of safety and warmth and it was so much better than a cold, empty room. In these circumstances, she certainly didn’t mind her rapidly pounding heart and damp skin. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ shifted, rolling herself on top of Emily, pinning the woman beneath her. A slow smile spread across Emily’s face as she watched JJ wrestle with her pajama shirt, pulling it off, leaving herself bare chested. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She squeezed her eyes shut, heart jumping. She had seen JJ naked before, but it had never been like this. Not under these circumstances. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Em?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah?” her voice was a whisper, barely a gasp of breath. She was frozen, stuck on her back, wanting what was about to come, but also terribly afraid, for whatever reason. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ leaned down, her lips brushing Emily’s ear, chest pressing against hers. “Are you okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She nodded vigorously. “I’m okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Tell me if you want to stop, alright? Promise me?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I promise.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Great.” JJ pressed her lips against Emily, the closeness of another body warming her. They tangled together, staying like that for some time, as lips explored hidden places and fingers curled where the other needed it most, eking out as much pleasure as possible. Quiet moans and whispers floated between them, heavy pants filling the rest of the empty air. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Eventually, when they were both trembling and exhausted from the efforts of pleasing each other, they settled under the sheets, naked bodies pressed together, hands entwined, and lips lightly brushing. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I love you,” JJ whispered, her heart still pounding in her ears, making the world spin slightly. “I love you so much.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I love you too.” Emily nuzzled against her, tucking her head against JJ’s chest. “I love you more now that I know what that mouth can do.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Mmm.” JJ let out a small giggle. “I love your fingers, too.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Lucky for you, you’re stuck with them.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>For that night, everything was good. There was nothing to worry about, except the fact that Henry was still at home, and JJ wasn’t, but what could she say? She was pretty happy with her current situation (although that giddiness could probably be chalked up to the excess amount of endorphins released by sex- really good sex). </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>It seemed at that moment, that everything was going to be okay. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>They complemented each other well. Emily rationalized the absurdity of JJ’s anxiety, and JJ supported Emily when the case got a bit too dark, although that rarely happened for her. Either way, they were both doing well. And they were both happy with that. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. New Jersey</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>So this isn’t the best chapter, but it’s just a filler to keep me moving forward. I’m still trying to follow along with some parts of the actual episode because that’s what started this whole thing so here’s a jumble of canon and non-canon stuff. I’m getting to the episodes I’m excited about and I only have a month of school left so I should be able to pick up the pace a bit after finals and AP tests. :)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>May 2009</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>4x21</strong>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
JJ still hated leaving Henry on cases, but they had gotten the process down to a tee. Phone calls before school and before bed, and texts if he was hanging out with friends. He’d even started seeing a therapist without protest, much to JJ’s surprise. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Everything had been going smoothly. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Until last week. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ would have had to be blind to not see that something was wrong. He barely spoke to her or Emily (when she was over) and spent most of his free time locked in his room. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>It was a Friday night, one of the rare ones where there was no case (yet), and JJ was beyond worried. “What if something’s wrong? Like, really wrong?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily sighed. She was sitting on the couch, wine glass in hand, listening to JJ rant about her problems because that's what girlfriends do. “He’s eleven, Jayje, how bad could it be?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The blonde glared at her. “Do you know what happened when I was eleven?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily was somewhat over this conversation. She cared, she really did, but there came a point when JJ should go talk to him instead of speculate about what could be wrong. “Enlighten me, would you?” The moment the words left her mouth, she knew she shouldn’t have said them. She had a plethora of issues herself, and if JJ had said that to her, she would have stalked away and likely cut off all communication until she had calmed down (which wasn’t quickly, knowing her temper). “Shit,” she sighed, watching the panic that crossed JJ’s face. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t do that.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <em>
    <span>You’re right,</span>
  </em>
  <span> JJ thought, </span>
  <em>
    <span>you shouldn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>But you’re just done with me, aren’t you? </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Uh,” she croaked. “It’s fine... I’ll just- I’ll...” her voice caught, throat tightening painfully as a tear slipped down her cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily squeezed her eyes shut. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “Jen,” she breathed. “Oh...” With no other words, she set her glass down and enveloped JJ in a hug. “I know it’s hard but it’s gonna be okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ sniffled. “When I was eleven, I cut myself off from my parents. They didn’t care. Not until they found out I was crying myself to sleep practically every day because...” she trailed off. Was she ready for Emily to know? </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“You don’t have to finish,” Emily mumbled. “You shouldn’t have to explain yourself. Your feelings are valid no matter what, okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Mmkay.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Do you think we should talk to him? Or maybe I could? I don’t spend as much time here.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“That’d be great. I’ve tried, but he keeps yelling at me, and I can’t yell at him. That’s not fair.” JJ ran her fingers through her hair. “He lost his parents and moved six hours away from home. It’s not fair to get mad at him.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Have you emailed his therapist?” Emily asked. “Just to make sure everything’s okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ shook her head. “No. That’s his place to be safe, I don’t need to know what they talk about. I’m only supposed to get involved if he’s in danger.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Which he’s not, because you haven’t been contacted.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Right.” JJ let out a heavy sigh, her shoulders relaxing as she began to gain a grip on the more realistic aspects of the situation. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Their silence was broken by a buzzing phone. “Shit,” JJ grumbled. “It’s Hotch.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“We’ve got to go, don’t we?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah, uh, I’ve got to talk to Henry.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Jayje,” Emily warned. “Don’t bring up anything about the thing, you don’t want to be mad while we’re gone.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I know- I know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“It’s a missing kid,” JJ repeated. “I hate these cases.” Her knees were tucked to her chest as Emily drove (just under the speed limit, because JJ yells at her if she goes faster). The case was only 40 minutes away, and it would just waste time to get on a plane</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Breathe,” Emily mumbled. “Has Hotch sent you the information?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“It’s loading.” She tapped her phone aggressively. “Missing seven year old. He- he plays soccer. Uh, they noticed he was gone this morning.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“So we don’t know how long he’s been missing for?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ shrugged. “He was in his bed last night at nine. They noticed this morning at seven. Hold on,” she paused, typing out a message on her phone. “I need to call them and start a press conference.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>While she was distracted on the phone, Emily accelerated, just trying to make sure they didn’t get there </span>
  <em>
    <span>too</span>
  </em>
  <span> late. The blonde talked quickly, stumbling over a few of her words, as she explained exactly what the parents would need to share. “Just tell them about Kyle,” she repeated for the third time. “That’s it.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ dropped her phone into her lap, leaning her head back. “God, what goes through people’s minds when they murder children?”</span>
</p><p><span>“I don’t know.” Most of the time when someone answers </span><em><span>I don’t</span></em> <em><span>know</span></em><span>, they do know, they just don’t know what to say. Emily really had no clue what words could fix this situation. </span></p><p>
  
  <span>It was a terrible thing to suggest that it would be better if it were a grown male who had been murdered, but it was true. The world doesn’t care for a middle aged man as much as it cares for children. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ couldn’t help but notice the similarities between the missing boy, Kyle, and Henry. Sure, they were four years apart in age, but so many things were similar. They played soccer. They liked to read. They were quiet. Their hair hung over their face, usually because they didn’t bother to brush it and they hated haircuts. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“It’s not him.” Emily had approached JJ from behind, wrapping her arms around her stomach. “It’s not Henry.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“It’s not even that,” JJ mumbled, tilting her head back onto Emily’s shoulder. “It’s the fact that it’s any kid. It isn’t fair.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“We’re taking the bad guys out, one at a time, okay? Let’s get back out there and do our job.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>It was a hard job to do. They were stuck with three dead kids, two grieving parents, one aggressive child (and a partridge in a pear tree, as Garcia so graciously added). Not to mention the fact that they caught a guy who commited </span>
  <em>
    <span>two</span>
  </em>
  <span> murders, not </span>
  <em>
    <span>three</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The whole case was a mess. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ was a mess. She was holding the ME’s report, hands shaking, eyes fixated on the second page. She took a deep breath, looking up at Emily and Danny. He looked so innocent, sitting there eating. She figured any child who could do such horrible things would have to be good at hiding it. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She handed the paper to Hotch as he approached her. “Look at the second page,” she muttered, mind still in some state of disbelief. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Prentiss needs to see this.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>They were good at communicating through no words. JJ handed her the paper, motioning at what had her in such a state of silence, and Emily’s eyes widened. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Can you stay with him?” she asked. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ nodded, hands twisting together as she forced herself to meet the boy’s eyes. Once a sociopath, always a sociopath she figured. Although the professional world wouldn’t use that term, there couldn’t be that much a difference between someone who was 10 and felt no empathy and someone who was 18 and felt just the same. He’d been able to kill his own brother after all, they shouldn’t be kind in avoiding labels simply because they didn’t want to mistake it as anger issues. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>There was a familiar glare in the eyes of sociopaths (budding psychopath, Reid would tell her). It was a cold, empty stare. Maybe it was angry or excited, but it was always empty. No real emotion. Nothing.</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She had felt empty before, but the emotion never reached her eyes. The eyes are a portal to the soul. Some philosopher had said that. She didn’t know which one, though Reid probably did. If the soul is dark, the eyes are dark. It was as simple as that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emily wandered through the jet, lowering herself onto the couch next to JJ. “Can I sit here?” she asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ laughed. “You’re asking?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, with the team…” she looked behind her shoulder just to make sure no one could hear them. “They don’t know yet and I don’t know if we’re ready.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s nearly been two years,” JJ trailed off. “Do you ever feel guilty for not telling them?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emily curled herself into the corner of the couch. “Sometimes. But also, they’re profilers, how have they </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> seen anything?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were always touchy friends… and they think I’m straight, well, besides… nevermind.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ trailed off, leaving Emily with an amused look on her face. “I do think we should tell them soon. But, like, casually, you know? Just kinda slip it into conversation next time they ask if we’re seeing anyone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds good. Honestly, I’m surprised Henry hasn’t said anything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We don’t know that,” Emily countered. “Oh, god, what if he let something slip and then Jack told Hotch-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Emily,” JJ warned. “I cannot do this right now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, sorry. Uh, anyways… Henry?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I still want you to talk to him. Just… I really don’t know, I’m worried.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I’ll talk to him, okay?” Emily squeezed JJ’s arm, offering her a warm smile. She leaned away as the other members of the team began to enter the jet. She really wondered how none of them had picked up on their relationship. It </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> been slow moving, and there’d been a lot of ups and downs, but they were together, nonetheless, and the team was completely oblivious (as far as they knew). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I don’t know what to say!” Emily’s voice rose an entire octave as they approached JJ’s condo. “Like, ‘hey, Henry, we’ve noticed something’s been off, wanna rant?’” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ threw her arms up. “I don’t know either, Em! Just… be cool about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Be cool?! Really?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“I’m trying here!” JJ squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, letting out a long breath. “Okay. I’m sorry.” She pulled Emily in for a short kiss. “I’m stressed and I shouldn’t take that out on you.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Mhmm,” Emily mumbled against her lips. “Maybe we need a night to ourselves sometime.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>A shiver ran down JJ’s spine. “God, yeah,” she breathed. “But you’re not getting out of talking to Henry.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily gave her a playful swat before turning towards the hallway. “Don’t eavesdrop, okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah, yeah, I know.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>The older woman made her way towards Henry’s bedroom. The door was closed, as it had been for the majority of the past week. She knocked lightly. “Henry? Can I come in?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>. . .</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It had been thirty minutes, and Emily had yet to emerge from Henry’s bedroom. JJ was pacing back and forth. Not just the slow pacing she did when she was bored, but really pacing. She’d turned back and forth so many times that her knees were starting to hurt. What the hell were they talking about? And was it bad? </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>She hadn’t heard any laughing or yelling, so she supposed if it had been bad Henry would have stomped away by now and probably made a break for the park so he could climb a tree and sulk. JJ used to do the same thing. She’d sit in trees for so long that her back would ache and eventually she’d climb down and return home, only to offer a small apology about whatever she’d been fighting about with her parents. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Henry had only done it once, and they hadn’t even fought. He said he wanted to go for a run but after an hour, JJ went out looking for him. He was just in a tree, reading a book. There was worse he could have done, she supposed. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>After another eternity of overthinking the situation, she heard the door creak open. Emily emerged with a soft smile on her face and a post-it note in her left hand. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“What?” JJ asked, immediately walking over to her. “Did he talk to you?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Oh, yeah, he did.” A brief flash of amusement crossed Emily’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Emily-- what did he say?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Well, he’s almost twelve, you know, and...” she trailed off, not really having the words to explain what was going on. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Is it bad?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“No, not at all.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Well?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Emily sighed, holding up the paper in her hand. “Here. He wants us to get this for him, if that’s alright...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ snatched the yellow sheet, scanning Henry’s sloppy handwriting. Her shoulders sagged and she let out a breathy laugh. “That’s it? He just wants a binder?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yeah. I mean, I get it, he was probably embarrassed to tell us, and he’s probably self-conscious about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ nodded, feeling a little giddy, like she needed to laugh. It was amusing... just... relieving that nothing was </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> wrong. “So, I’m guessing we can order one online?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Yes, we can.” Emily wrapped her arms around JJ’s shoulder, kissing her heavily on the lips, teeth nipping at her skin. “I told you nothing was really wrong,” she mumbled. </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Stop it,” whined JJ. “I can’t help that I’m always worried.” She tilted her head, pulling Emily’s body against hers. “I love you.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Mmm, I love you, too.” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Hey!” they jumped apart when they heard a voice behind them. Henry was standing in the doorway, hand over his eyes. “Get a room, would you? I wanted some pretzels, but I think I’ve lost my appetite...” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>JJ rolled her eyes and laughed. “Do you want to go get ice cream instead?” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Oohhh! Yes!” </span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>“Emily,” Henry deadpanned, “ I don’t think that question was meant for you.” </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>